So over the last week or so I have been having a reoccurring discussion about the notion of friendship. What it means to be someone's friend, how to give and receive it. And lately, this analysis has made me reevaluate that notion. I had a conversation the other day with someone who made me realize that choosing sides not only doesn't make you a friend, it devalues the integrity of what's been built, especially if you cannot be honest.
When relationships are built on conditions and stipulations, words and the trust built over time count for nothing. Even when one has to pick sides, it's up to those individuals to be up front in honest. Cause at the end of the day, if they were in my shoes I don't know if they would be as tolerant if someone they cared and respected were behaving the same way.
I hear people talking about how it's difficult to find and cultivate relationships in LA… and I know for a fact that isn't entirely true. It takes two people to build, just like it takes two individuals to brake down a relationship. If one is unable to deepen ties or find people to share their lives with at the end of the day, one must stop looking at the sequential events unfolding and realign oneself in the mirror.
I have lost many people throughout my life, and not entirely of my own volition. They, made a decision to keep me at arms length, be dishonest, hide certain things and convey themselves in an disingenuous way. Though I cannot abdicate myself from my own part in the deterioration of past relationships… I have paid many dues. Nevertheless, I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, to a fault
But I can think of many times where I have stuck my neck out for some of these people, … and thinking about it in retrospect, I know now they would have never done the same. And that realization is ok.
This understanding enables me to establish a different place those people in my life, forgive them for their slights… and remind myself never be so selfish as to behave in a way that knowingly devalues the integrity of my relationship with someone I truly care for.
And if someone chooses to cut themselves out of my life, it is a loss I will not lose sleep over….
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Self Assessments in Self Deprecating Mode
Most days:
…. I don’t know how to be strong. And though I might appear to be, it feels more like a guise. In actuality, my strength lies in my acceptance of being broken and the tolerance of staying there.
…. I only give to compensate for my inherently selfish ways, which I struggle with on daily basis.
…. I’m indecisive, because regardless of my foresight I lack the ambition to really move forward.
….I have an overwhelming need to understand because I usually feel disconnected.
….When I appear to be the most put together are the days I fight with myself the most.
…. I give more than I should, so that no one truly see that I rarely give (of myself) at all.
…. I use my personality to compensate for my low self-esteem.
But am overall
…. Beyond my cynicism lies someone who uses hope and idealism to encourage and inspire myself, and if I’m lucky the people around me.
….Cares and gives even at the expense of myself.
….is someone who secretly never gives up.
….someone who’s come a lot further than I’d like to admit.
….someone who is waiting to share and find people willing to give those special parts of myself.
….credulous, even when I know I shouldn’t be.
…. someone who likes who I’ve become.
What does that mean?
That I’m a self-deprecating idealist, who still wants to change the world. And this point the only thing stopping me…. is myself.
…. I don’t know how to be strong. And though I might appear to be, it feels more like a guise. In actuality, my strength lies in my acceptance of being broken and the tolerance of staying there.
…. I only give to compensate for my inherently selfish ways, which I struggle with on daily basis.
…. I’m indecisive, because regardless of my foresight I lack the ambition to really move forward.
….I have an overwhelming need to understand because I usually feel disconnected.
….When I appear to be the most put together are the days I fight with myself the most.
…. I give more than I should, so that no one truly see that I rarely give (of myself) at all.
…. I use my personality to compensate for my low self-esteem.
But am overall
…. Beyond my cynicism lies someone who uses hope and idealism to encourage and inspire myself, and if I’m lucky the people around me.
….Cares and gives even at the expense of myself.
….is someone who secretly never gives up.
….someone who’s come a lot further than I’d like to admit.
….someone who is waiting to share and find people willing to give those special parts of myself.
….credulous, even when I know I shouldn’t be.
…. someone who likes who I’ve become.
What does that mean?
That I’m a self-deprecating idealist, who still wants to change the world. And this point the only thing stopping me…. is myself.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
What I'm thankful for.
This is the first year that I'm not actually not spending the holidays with my family. I called my mother today, talked to my father. Can't speak to either one of them without crying. It's been hard these past years. Trying to maintain my own life and not feel responsible for others.
I understand that leaving LA and the people I love was a choice I decided to make, but I can't help but feel guilty. That I should be with them, and because I am not it somehow means I care less.
I know this isn't true.... And somewhere deep down i know that they understand, or at least I hope that they do.
At the same time, this is the first year I am spending it with people who not do not have access to their family....
I, on the other hand, do. No matter how dysfunctional, have a wonderful family who in spite of their faults love me. I have a best friend who also has a amazing family who supports me like their own. Friends who understand and care for me in ways people could only dream of.
I have those things... and though I don't have much to show in any tangible sense, i have a rich life, which is measured by my understanding of the world and the people that fill that space.
and for this I am thankful.... very very thankful.
I understand that leaving LA and the people I love was a choice I decided to make, but I can't help but feel guilty. That I should be with them, and because I am not it somehow means I care less.
I know this isn't true.... And somewhere deep down i know that they understand, or at least I hope that they do.
At the same time, this is the first year I am spending it with people who not do not have access to their family....
I, on the other hand, do. No matter how dysfunctional, have a wonderful family who in spite of their faults love me. I have a best friend who also has a amazing family who supports me like their own. Friends who understand and care for me in ways people could only dream of.
I have those things... and though I don't have much to show in any tangible sense, i have a rich life, which is measured by my understanding of the world and the people that fill that space.
and for this I am thankful.... very very thankful.
Monday, November 24, 2008
My Long Winded Response to Gender, Relationships and Love..
So I had a conversation today about gender roles, and relationships.
Here's my response:
In regards to gender roles:
The construction of what it means to be a man or a woman is interwoven with a multitude of factors (both physiological and social)… but should not be mistaken as a fixed state of being…. If only because of the different expressions of everything else in-between… and believe me… there is an in-between.
Maybe that in-between is a personification of the dualities expressed within current forms of what gender means… sometimes it's a cluster fuck of god knows what. Nevertheless, gender is expressed in a multitude of ways.
Women convey themselves in ways that are considered masculine... Men behave in ways that are very feminine… And yes, there is such a thing as androgyny... Regardless of orientation…. these things exist.
How can I make such an overt statement as if it were fact? Because, whether or not you are aware, it is ubiquitous. All you have to do is look. With the expansion and acceptance of expression there is no real need to live up to or dismantle gender. We are acculturated to become whatever society wants us to be, while simultaneously finding ways to break those paradigms down.
As far as my opinion on relationships:
Being on all different ends, both good and bad. All I can say is this…. from any starting point it's easy to judge others, until we are placed within a predicament that engenders dissonance within us.
We can sit outside of ourselves and see the dualities of a situation, but there are so many variables that make people behave in ways contrary to what we expect. And we must remember, regardless of our expectations… not everyone can live up to our ideals…. Shit, we can barely do it ourselves… how can we expect or devalue those who can't either.
We are human. We make mistakes. We behave in ways contrary to values or beliefs that feel inherent within us…
Why..? I don't know. Maybe because we're selfish. But maybe we're not. Maybe when we have to take other people's feelings into consideration we put our needs last. Sometimes social, cultural, and internal factors don't add up to the same solution… and at the end of the day we still have to pick one….
Does this make us wrong, or selfless, or inherently hypocritical?
Maybe, but our actions do not define us or encapsulate who we are. We are much more than an event, or moment in time. So it isn't fair to assume the intentions of others, when we can barely understand those of ourselves.
I guess no one ever really knows what they will do until they are there. Until then, we as people should consider reevaluating the way we judge others.
And finally my stance on Love:
Love… and what each individual wants within the context of a relationship varies…. And is essentially innumerable. One can make generalizations, but when it comes to love, it's too abstract to place such categories into concrete terms. All you can hope for is that you find someone to accept you, understand you, and maybe even one day love you unconditionally. Love is work, no matter how strong the foundation is.
Because at the end of the day, if you never give all of yourself what's it really worth?
Here's my response:
In regards to gender roles:
The construction of what it means to be a man or a woman is interwoven with a multitude of factors (both physiological and social)… but should not be mistaken as a fixed state of being…. If only because of the different expressions of everything else in-between… and believe me… there is an in-between.
Maybe that in-between is a personification of the dualities expressed within current forms of what gender means… sometimes it's a cluster fuck of god knows what. Nevertheless, gender is expressed in a multitude of ways.
Women convey themselves in ways that are considered masculine... Men behave in ways that are very feminine… And yes, there is such a thing as androgyny... Regardless of orientation…. these things exist.
How can I make such an overt statement as if it were fact? Because, whether or not you are aware, it is ubiquitous. All you have to do is look. With the expansion and acceptance of expression there is no real need to live up to or dismantle gender. We are acculturated to become whatever society wants us to be, while simultaneously finding ways to break those paradigms down.
As far as my opinion on relationships:
Being on all different ends, both good and bad. All I can say is this…. from any starting point it's easy to judge others, until we are placed within a predicament that engenders dissonance within us.
We can sit outside of ourselves and see the dualities of a situation, but there are so many variables that make people behave in ways contrary to what we expect. And we must remember, regardless of our expectations… not everyone can live up to our ideals…. Shit, we can barely do it ourselves… how can we expect or devalue those who can't either.
We are human. We make mistakes. We behave in ways contrary to values or beliefs that feel inherent within us…
Why..? I don't know. Maybe because we're selfish. But maybe we're not. Maybe when we have to take other people's feelings into consideration we put our needs last. Sometimes social, cultural, and internal factors don't add up to the same solution… and at the end of the day we still have to pick one….
Does this make us wrong, or selfless, or inherently hypocritical?
Maybe, but our actions do not define us or encapsulate who we are. We are much more than an event, or moment in time. So it isn't fair to assume the intentions of others, when we can barely understand those of ourselves.
I guess no one ever really knows what they will do until they are there. Until then, we as people should consider reevaluating the way we judge others.
And finally my stance on Love:
Love… and what each individual wants within the context of a relationship varies…. And is essentially innumerable. One can make generalizations, but when it comes to love, it's too abstract to place such categories into concrete terms. All you can hope for is that you find someone to accept you, understand you, and maybe even one day love you unconditionally. Love is work, no matter how strong the foundation is.
Because at the end of the day, if you never give all of yourself what's it really worth?
Winter Summer Solstice
Will I ever taste the early solstice?
the afternoon slumber
after our red laden kiss
that binded the barricades of your dark laden door.
lying. looking into slits of deadened trees
of orange leaves that
hid my touch
your whispers
our secrets.
Will I ever feel the solstice?
the late night heat.
dripping off of your heaving chest
unto my swollen breasts
as you hide your lies within me?
floundering. arms outstretched
as you clutch my tears
to save as salves
to ease your selfish pain.
numbing. the sound of thunderstorms
that promise
to come but never seem to keep.
Will I ever mend the days now lost?
realign the skyless streams of sunlight
that make my visions true
as we bask upon each revelation
your future, my home,
our equinox
without us?
the afternoon slumber
after our red laden kiss
that binded the barricades of your dark laden door.
lying. looking into slits of deadened trees
of orange leaves that
hid my touch
your whispers
our secrets.
Will I ever feel the solstice?
the late night heat.
dripping off of your heaving chest
unto my swollen breasts
as you hide your lies within me?
floundering. arms outstretched
as you clutch my tears
to save as salves
to ease your selfish pain.
numbing. the sound of thunderstorms
that promise
to come but never seem to keep.
Will I ever mend the days now lost?
realign the skyless streams of sunlight
that make my visions true
as we bask upon each revelation
your future, my home,
our equinox
without us?
Friday, November 21, 2008
What I Converse About: In 3 Minutes Flat
Friend: What goes on in that head of yours Elizabeth?……
Me: …….. I don't know. Do you want the dumbed down version, or something mildly poetic?
Friend: How about both…?
Me: Ummmmm…. What's in my head…… ummmm. Ok…..
My Head is a continual stream of consciousness looking for it's ocean. Filled in lines with no ellipses, commas, or periods……
My head is a rambling abode of chaos with only rhyme and no reason. It tends to fuck with treasonous thoughts, if only because it brings me closer to an edge… my edge of understanding.
I am my own conundrum.
My head is a container of neurosis that spills out from time to time. The destructive child. The mother who cleans up the messes.
My head is warring alongside the world with a silent hope for peace. My head is waiting. Waiting for my heart to catch up, because it's tired of running so fast, and feeling so slow.
My head is yearning for my next walk, because it misses the sound of his footsteps.
My head is loud, quiet, still… erratic. Moving toward cessation.
My head is humpty dumpty after the second fall.
My head is a drummer… the dimmer switch, my catalyst for light. A lens projecting the disfigured state of the world, gracefully. An idolizing fool mimicking what my heart once was.
My head is aching from dissonance, digging through clutter to find clarity, trying to find the words, a connection that makes me feel less lonely than being alone.
So where is my head these days….? Everywhere but where it should, in the exact place it needs to be….
Friend: Oh….. So what's the mildly poetic version?
Me: That's it's blank most of the day and when synapses occasionally fire it comes up with a odd thought that gets instantaneously sidetracked by shiny things.
Friend: Sounds about right.
Me: Yeah…. Yeah it does.
Monday, November 3, 2008
your cloud
I feel as if I am disconnected.
Wandering, wondering… for as much as words seem to keep the heart warm, it never entirely stave's off the cold.
I want to believe, beyond what is considered devout. Beyond the faithful.
But I need a sign. Beyond what is said. Beyond words.
Not a conciliatory flag waving white in my direction.
You seem to assume that I am unaware or unknowing ..of what and who you are.
and yet I wonder, how much do you really know?
About you.
About me.
About us.
Just because my voice remains silent, does not mean that they are unseen or unheard, unless my feelings do not resonate upon your ears.
What streams I thought we're once connected, are now lakes becoming oceans that I am afraid to float across.
The words that jump off my lines into your pages were once fluid, poetic.. But now increasingly despondent and disjointed.
I do not like what this story has become… i do not like the perpetual, potential, proverbial ending that appears so evident in my heart.
Trying to find a way to combine, to coalesce, the things that divide 'you' into 'me' now that we've become 'us'…
I want to see what's real. Define and erase the lines again and again until it we make our own map, our own world.
But I feel as if we are drawing on two planes of a distant existence. Painting on polarized points of the same world.
And I don't want draw territories between countries, or oceans. I want to recapture the space between. Where we fit in all the right ways. I want to mend us into distinct forms made from the same mold.
And never again have to ask, but know, where you are, and where I am. Not where you end or I begin.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
learning within. thoughts on trust.
is it possible to truly be wrong about some thing, when everything in your heart tells you it's right?
i realized that in the last 5 years i've continually pushed myself to believe in something... many things that weren't true... and now when everything feels in place, feels like its supposed or meant to be... is when i begin to trivialize everything.
i have gotten used to the ground being pulled out from under me.... falling on my face one two many times has left me with more bruises and broken bones than i honestly care to mention... at this point i feel embarassed by the slips and falls i've taken, maybe less than the next, but still i can't help but wonder, when i'm going to fall again?
even the slightest amount of disconnection leaves me discontent, wondering, pondering in the what if's, and not in the nows. i spend so much time flustering, that i drown and flounder in my own fear.
when you're entire life you've been taught to trust logic, trust rationality and not in your intuition... or even worse, in yourself... then what are we.. am i to believe in....? when the foundation laid in front of you is built upon faulty ground.... what is there to truly lean on? what am i to believe? especially when it's one made of your own doing, what do you do? how do we change?
how do i learn to trust the only thing that has always been, and will always be there.... myself?
i realized that in the last 5 years i've continually pushed myself to believe in something... many things that weren't true... and now when everything feels in place, feels like its supposed or meant to be... is when i begin to trivialize everything.
i have gotten used to the ground being pulled out from under me.... falling on my face one two many times has left me with more bruises and broken bones than i honestly care to mention... at this point i feel embarassed by the slips and falls i've taken, maybe less than the next, but still i can't help but wonder, when i'm going to fall again?
even the slightest amount of disconnection leaves me discontent, wondering, pondering in the what if's, and not in the nows. i spend so much time flustering, that i drown and flounder in my own fear.
when you're entire life you've been taught to trust logic, trust rationality and not in your intuition... or even worse, in yourself... then what are we.. am i to believe in....? when the foundation laid in front of you is built upon faulty ground.... what is there to truly lean on? what am i to believe? especially when it's one made of your own doing, what do you do? how do we change?
how do i learn to trust the only thing that has always been, and will always be there.... myself?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
seamless thoughts on the 101
like a broken road, cracked at the seams,
rigid lines pave the way for a new lane.
running at a stationary pace
monoxide coats my sunburned skin.
i feel the hot air
in the cool heat
through my hair
in my heart
as I taste the rain
salty from exhaust fumes.
each exit a constant reminder
of where i'm going .
what i'm building.
and silently breaking.
pacing each step as if
placing steps
here
and not there
will get
me
to
Us
quicker.
forcing clicks,
numbers
on an faulty odometer
seem to say,
but never show
the true points of my linear progression.
for within these moments
I am slowly
awakening.
shedding
dreaming
flying faster
if only to go
nowhere
just to get
closer
to
you.
for
within
you
i see
us
only to find
myself
yearning to be
found again
when
i
am without
you.
rigid lines pave the way for a new lane.
running at a stationary pace
monoxide coats my sunburned skin.
i feel the hot air
in the cool heat
through my hair
in my heart
as I taste the rain
salty from exhaust fumes.
each exit a constant reminder
of where i'm going .
what i'm building.
and silently breaking.
pacing each step as if
placing steps
here
and not there
will get
me
to
Us
quicker.
forcing clicks,
numbers
on an faulty odometer
seem to say,
but never show
the true points of my linear progression.
for within these moments
I am slowly
awakening.
shedding
dreaming
flying faster
if only to go
nowhere
just to get
closer
to
you.
for
within
you
i see
us
only to find
myself
yearning to be
found again
when
i
am without
you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Late Night Talk Over Whole Questions and Half Truths
So I had a conversation with a friend, about what else!?!?!?
Relationships, of course…
And how the people we've dated (in the past) have discussed and represented their relationships (about us) to others....
I've come to the realization that I have yet to really be in a relationship where I felt the other person was all there, or really represented the relationship truthfully to the people around them.
In many ways I falsely perceived or was made to believe that the relationship is actuality deeper than it truly was… and subsequently it's been the one thing that has enabled me to take steps back, and not forward, within my relationships.
It's painful having to air out my laundry to others… but in many ways its an essential step for all parties involved. It makes the transition actual. It makes those who need closure truly able to let go. Until then everyone is suspended within the 'what if's', unable to entirely hold on or let go.
For me, in many ways, its what enables me to forgo my fears, trust another… and trust myself, entirely.
Until then, its all biding time…. Delaying the inevitable, which is unfair… I can be patient with many things, but my heart is not one of them.
But then again I could be wrong.
Relationships, of course…
And how the people we've dated (in the past) have discussed and represented their relationships (about us) to others....
I've come to the realization that I have yet to really be in a relationship where I felt the other person was all there, or really represented the relationship truthfully to the people around them.
In many ways I falsely perceived or was made to believe that the relationship is actuality deeper than it truly was… and subsequently it's been the one thing that has enabled me to take steps back, and not forward, within my relationships.
It's painful having to air out my laundry to others… but in many ways its an essential step for all parties involved. It makes the transition actual. It makes those who need closure truly able to let go. Until then everyone is suspended within the 'what if's', unable to entirely hold on or let go.
For me, in many ways, its what enables me to forgo my fears, trust another… and trust myself, entirely.
Until then, its all biding time…. Delaying the inevitable, which is unfair… I can be patient with many things, but my heart is not one of them.
But then again I could be wrong.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Old Lessons ReLearned.... Review
So I had some interesting thoughts about the last couple of weeks, maybe things I've learned or need to re-learn.... things I have actualized…
------------------------------------------------
1. Listening, or finding a place where I can listen to those willing to share themselves with me is a humbling experience.... An experience I'd definitely like to do more of.
2. That the anger of another individual is not a fault within my own person, but a lack of understanding within theirs…
Nevertheless this does not put me above or below them...and forces me to understand my own shortcomings so that i may one day change them.
3. That letting go is something I should do more often, because as terrifying as it is… the fall is just as amazing as it is liberating.
4. Realizing that people are living their own lives, and may come around when it is convenient for them, but the true ones will remain even long after they've over stayed their welcome.
5. That true love (of any kind) is unconditional.. Whether that be family, romantic, platonic or anything else in-between.. That I must accept that most relationships have stipulations, but just because they do doesn't mean I need to hold back or give any less of myself…..
How can I expect for someone to give it, let alone receive it, if I am unwilling to do the same?
6. That my passions will never be fulfilled unless I work to achieve them, every day of my life.
7. That happiness is something I (we) must all fight for. Finding it, maintaining it… is a constant struggle that is inherent within life. And though people have a tendency to become lax when things work out, contentment is as transient as any other experience. Just as one fights their way into good… One must fight just as hard to stay there.
8. That though I feel disconnected from many of the things that I love, I have been fortunate enough to find something that enables me to shed my skin... mend rendered sutures, and save all of the good parts left within me, so that I may one day be able to it give back to those around me.
9. That contentment can be just as contagious and pervasive as sadness or anger. That when one is able to truly experience a constant state of happiness it can be shared and passed on to the people around them.
10. That I must not worry about the happiness of those around me, so much that it detracts from my own sanity.
11. That I miss you. Still
12. That i need to just stop worrying about what's not there and be with what is.
13. That I am still here, if you need me, all you have to do is ask.
------------------------------------------------
1. Listening, or finding a place where I can listen to those willing to share themselves with me is a humbling experience.... An experience I'd definitely like to do more of.
2. That the anger of another individual is not a fault within my own person, but a lack of understanding within theirs…
Nevertheless this does not put me above or below them...and forces me to understand my own shortcomings so that i may one day change them.
3. That letting go is something I should do more often, because as terrifying as it is… the fall is just as amazing as it is liberating.
4. Realizing that people are living their own lives, and may come around when it is convenient for them, but the true ones will remain even long after they've over stayed their welcome.
5. That true love (of any kind) is unconditional.. Whether that be family, romantic, platonic or anything else in-between.. That I must accept that most relationships have stipulations, but just because they do doesn't mean I need to hold back or give any less of myself…..
How can I expect for someone to give it, let alone receive it, if I am unwilling to do the same?
6. That my passions will never be fulfilled unless I work to achieve them, every day of my life.
7. That happiness is something I (we) must all fight for. Finding it, maintaining it… is a constant struggle that is inherent within life. And though people have a tendency to become lax when things work out, contentment is as transient as any other experience. Just as one fights their way into good… One must fight just as hard to stay there.
8. That though I feel disconnected from many of the things that I love, I have been fortunate enough to find something that enables me to shed my skin... mend rendered sutures, and save all of the good parts left within me, so that I may one day be able to it give back to those around me.
9. That contentment can be just as contagious and pervasive as sadness or anger. That when one is able to truly experience a constant state of happiness it can be shared and passed on to the people around them.
10. That I must not worry about the happiness of those around me, so much that it detracts from my own sanity.
11. That I miss you. Still
12. That i need to just stop worrying about what's not there and be with what is.
13. That I am still here, if you need me, all you have to do is ask.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Conversations about Consideration
I had a discussion today about the concept of consideration. Consideration is usually something I do with willful deliberation. I have always been one to consider another person’s feelings above my own. And though, there will be times, where I am not always aware of how my actions effect others, I try to make a considerable effort to attend to their feelings.
But the conversation made me wonder…. how much of that actually gets reciprocated?
And why is it that I am so unaware of how inconsiderate others can be to me?
I hate to be someone who values receiving what you put out in the world, considering that (to me) it lessens the notion of altruism.
Normally I don’t equate how much I receive from others as a measuring stick, but today someone pointed out that I don’t (if rarely) always receive my fair share…. That I usually put out more, and share more of myself than the next... that by the time I have exhausted my ability to give, I have none left for myself or others who truly deserve it.
Similar discussions always remind me of a previous conversation I once had… About 3 years ago I was talking to a partner after a serious breakup of 4 ½ years. At that point in our relationship, the overwhelming stress had pushed me close to a physical and psychological breakdown.
In midst of the argument I had asked him had he once (in the course of our relationship), really asked himself what was truly best for me? Had he asked himself what would put me more at ease, make me more fulfilled? What would make me happy? And if so, how could he be apart of that process?
He sat quietly, suddenly began to sob and replied ‘no’.
The questions, and his response, in many ways typify many of the relationships I have experienced throughout my life. Having to be responsible for my happiness and the happiness of those around me is inherent in my disposition.
But its difficult when one is constantly bombarded with individuals unwilling or incapable of doing giving the same.
So this left me thinking, is there ever truly such a thing as reciprocity? Does someone ever truly receive what they so willingly give (of themselves)?
But the conversation made me wonder…. how much of that actually gets reciprocated?
And why is it that I am so unaware of how inconsiderate others can be to me?
I hate to be someone who values receiving what you put out in the world, considering that (to me) it lessens the notion of altruism.
Normally I don’t equate how much I receive from others as a measuring stick, but today someone pointed out that I don’t (if rarely) always receive my fair share…. That I usually put out more, and share more of myself than the next... that by the time I have exhausted my ability to give, I have none left for myself or others who truly deserve it.
Similar discussions always remind me of a previous conversation I once had… About 3 years ago I was talking to a partner after a serious breakup of 4 ½ years. At that point in our relationship, the overwhelming stress had pushed me close to a physical and psychological breakdown.
In midst of the argument I had asked him had he once (in the course of our relationship), really asked himself what was truly best for me? Had he asked himself what would put me more at ease, make me more fulfilled? What would make me happy? And if so, how could he be apart of that process?
He sat quietly, suddenly began to sob and replied ‘no’.
The questions, and his response, in many ways typify many of the relationships I have experienced throughout my life. Having to be responsible for my happiness and the happiness of those around me is inherent in my disposition.
But its difficult when one is constantly bombarded with individuals unwilling or incapable of doing giving the same.
So this left me thinking, is there ever truly such a thing as reciprocity? Does someone ever truly receive what they so willingly give (of themselves)?
Friday, October 10, 2008
a new journey, what real love is (to me)
i can't, am not... in a place to write poetry or prose. maybe for the first time ever... for many reasons.
particularly because for the first time in my life i am content ... inside and out, floundering and drowning into myself... into someone…. worth my reciprocity.
its as if my words are lost because i am found within him. and i like the thought of that.
and for as much as i have a tendency to complicate love, or the things around me.. when i see him, embrace and consume him, it all fades.. and all that is left is us.....
though the notion of falling into the middle scares me, i like that i will have to search for a new language, a new book to convey my place within the world.... that i have to draw inspiration from a real sense of love and happiness.
though sadness is an inherent part of my condition, for the first time in my life i don't miss it. i don't long for sadness or melancholy. i love where my heart goes and where his love puts me. and as i slowly unfold unto him, i will know that my journey and his accompaniment in that journey was worth the sacrifice.
particularly because for the first time in my life i am content ... inside and out, floundering and drowning into myself... into someone…. worth my reciprocity.
its as if my words are lost because i am found within him. and i like the thought of that.
and for as much as i have a tendency to complicate love, or the things around me.. when i see him, embrace and consume him, it all fades.. and all that is left is us.....
though the notion of falling into the middle scares me, i like that i will have to search for a new language, a new book to convey my place within the world.... that i have to draw inspiration from a real sense of love and happiness.
though sadness is an inherent part of my condition, for the first time in my life i don't miss it. i don't long for sadness or melancholy. i love where my heart goes and where his love puts me. and as i slowly unfold unto him, i will know that my journey and his accompaniment in that journey was worth the sacrifice.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
past thoughts: on the state of the world
i wrote this over a year ago, i don't know if i posted it, but if i did, no one seemed to want to initiate any discourse about it... considering the state of the world, maybe it will matter just a little more.. maybe not
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I drove around, getting lost in the fives and nines..... blinded by the lights of the greens and grays.
I revisited the bad parts of my past. Not to hurt, but to remind myself of how bad it could be. Of where I am now. In the process of this minor venture I found a secluded area in Venice/Culver City that was hidden from the rest of the sprawl. A stretch of projects and broken homes. The destitute, the walking dead, undocumented workers, fatherless children, many with no homes to hide from the refuge of the world.
I wonder how many people have seen it? I wonder how much people would actually care if they did?
So close to an affluent part of this sub-culture.
Unseen by most, only those who seek shelter from the ravages of life elsewhere.
I find it so fascinating that you can walk less than a mile and see such massive wealth and extreme poverty. Everyone has been inundated by the dualities of class, yet don’t seem care…. Unless it relates to them.
And if you say that’s not true, prove me wrong. What have you, I, or we as a culture done to change the perpetuation of poverty?
When are we not coveting the material?
We even covet people to point where we have discarded the value of life and made it a commodity.
How much of your life is consumed by empty things?
It’s too late to ignore the fact that we are falling into a recession….. Maybe even a depression… We ignore the fact that this country spends more of it’s resources fighting wars and containing convicted felons than educating it’s youth. Why are millions of Americans are uninsured? Why are social programs becoming non-existent?
We act as if we are a classless culture, and yet we struggle. Struggle to have a future of stability, for ourselves and our children. It’s a continual struggle that we don’t discuss. We don’t even discuss the currency we incur, or the costs at which we sacrifice to incur them.
I wonder why we see it all and do nothing? Why we are consumed with other peoples problems when yet we can’t even fix ourselves? Or better yet, why are so many individuals apathetic to any other needs but their own?
I understand that you have bills to pay, work to manage, a life to live. But honestly, what are you really working towards? What are you really working for?
Why place yourself and your children in institutions that don’t truly care about your development, autonomy, or well-being? To work for something that does nothing to contribute to anything but the perpetuation of hegemonic ideologies at the expense of critical thought?
And if you see that you must acknowledge or at least pose the question, “what do we as a society value? What do you as an individual strive for, and how do you demonstrate those strivings?”
We all contribute to apart of history, no matter how insignificant.
So what legacy do we leave with ourselves? With our future?
Do we do what‘s easy, or do we do something different?
And if we so, where do we begin?
September 8, 2007
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I drove around, getting lost in the fives and nines..... blinded by the lights of the greens and grays.
I revisited the bad parts of my past. Not to hurt, but to remind myself of how bad it could be. Of where I am now. In the process of this minor venture I found a secluded area in Venice/Culver City that was hidden from the rest of the sprawl. A stretch of projects and broken homes. The destitute, the walking dead, undocumented workers, fatherless children, many with no homes to hide from the refuge of the world.
I wonder how many people have seen it? I wonder how much people would actually care if they did?
So close to an affluent part of this sub-culture.
Unseen by most, only those who seek shelter from the ravages of life elsewhere.
I find it so fascinating that you can walk less than a mile and see such massive wealth and extreme poverty. Everyone has been inundated by the dualities of class, yet don’t seem care…. Unless it relates to them.
And if you say that’s not true, prove me wrong. What have you, I, or we as a culture done to change the perpetuation of poverty?
When are we not coveting the material?
We even covet people to point where we have discarded the value of life and made it a commodity.
How much of your life is consumed by empty things?
It’s too late to ignore the fact that we are falling into a recession….. Maybe even a depression… We ignore the fact that this country spends more of it’s resources fighting wars and containing convicted felons than educating it’s youth. Why are millions of Americans are uninsured? Why are social programs becoming non-existent?
We act as if we are a classless culture, and yet we struggle. Struggle to have a future of stability, for ourselves and our children. It’s a continual struggle that we don’t discuss. We don’t even discuss the currency we incur, or the costs at which we sacrifice to incur them.
I wonder why we see it all and do nothing? Why we are consumed with other peoples problems when yet we can’t even fix ourselves? Or better yet, why are so many individuals apathetic to any other needs but their own?
I understand that you have bills to pay, work to manage, a life to live. But honestly, what are you really working towards? What are you really working for?
Why place yourself and your children in institutions that don’t truly care about your development, autonomy, or well-being? To work for something that does nothing to contribute to anything but the perpetuation of hegemonic ideologies at the expense of critical thought?
And if you see that you must acknowledge or at least pose the question, “what do we as a society value? What do you as an individual strive for, and how do you demonstrate those strivings?”
We all contribute to apart of history, no matter how insignificant.
So what legacy do we leave with ourselves? With our future?
Do we do what‘s easy, or do we do something different?
And if we so, where do we begin?
September 8, 2007
Monday, October 6, 2008
sex, my body, and my response to your response.
So I got a comment on my profile picture today… explaining that putting my body on display doesn’t correlate to acquiring respect. Which in a lot of ways is probably true. The objectification of the female body has always been one of a dualistic distinction. We as women have been taught that we need to keep our clothes on to garner respect. My whole thing is…. Honestly, who really cares?
My body is mine and mine alone. It is the expression of whatever I choose it to be…. Whether mother, or saint, or whore.. My body is just that… a body. It comprises all and none of those things, because we as a society label others and ourselves that way.
Nevertheless, what connotations I place upon myself are founded upon things that inhibit my desire to express or hide my sexuality. It does not make me any less of a woman to show my body, as it equally does not make me any less of woman to put it on.
We as women fit many roles, some we proudly share with the rest of the world… some we lock away in dark closets because of the shame we ascribe to it…. But why should we have to..? Why should anyone?
I understand the issues feminists make about the exploitation of bodies and how we as females perpetuate subjugation by buying into what society wants us to be as women… but has anyone ever asked.. Why can’t I be expressive, or sexy, or provocative and still maintain an internal sense of integrity and respect?
It’s not being naked that makes me a whore or a slut, it’s the label that you place upon the action that makes it so. The event in an of itself is neutral, relative…. But because I am female, and scantly clad I have instantaneously lessened my status as a woman within the world….. Really?
My respect is developed within my person, and the choices that I make. The fact that I am comfortable with revealing parts of myself is some thing that should not devalue my character. And, if anyone decides to judge me simply based on the fact that I dress or act or look provocative…. that is not some one I want to associate with.
I spent the last 8 months around an individual who continually devalued and judged me based upon these things…. Things I’ve spent my entire life battling with. I have come to terms with the fact that people are threatened by the notion a woman who respects themselves enough to make many of the same decisions men make (in regards to their body and sexuality) with no qualms or regrets.
A picture isn’t going to change that.
Though I might get some unwarranted attention, your response to me "valuing my body" will be the same as those who are silly enough to make a crude distinction or comment about it…. &%^$%%*&%#$#%$!!!!!!
My body is mine and mine alone. It is the expression of whatever I choose it to be…. Whether mother, or saint, or whore.. My body is just that… a body. It comprises all and none of those things, because we as a society label others and ourselves that way.
Nevertheless, what connotations I place upon myself are founded upon things that inhibit my desire to express or hide my sexuality. It does not make me any less of a woman to show my body, as it equally does not make me any less of woman to put it on.
We as women fit many roles, some we proudly share with the rest of the world… some we lock away in dark closets because of the shame we ascribe to it…. But why should we have to..? Why should anyone?
I understand the issues feminists make about the exploitation of bodies and how we as females perpetuate subjugation by buying into what society wants us to be as women… but has anyone ever asked.. Why can’t I be expressive, or sexy, or provocative and still maintain an internal sense of integrity and respect?
It’s not being naked that makes me a whore or a slut, it’s the label that you place upon the action that makes it so. The event in an of itself is neutral, relative…. But because I am female, and scantly clad I have instantaneously lessened my status as a woman within the world….. Really?
My respect is developed within my person, and the choices that I make. The fact that I am comfortable with revealing parts of myself is some thing that should not devalue my character. And, if anyone decides to judge me simply based on the fact that I dress or act or look provocative…. that is not some one I want to associate with.
I spent the last 8 months around an individual who continually devalued and judged me based upon these things…. Things I’ve spent my entire life battling with. I have come to terms with the fact that people are threatened by the notion a woman who respects themselves enough to make many of the same decisions men make (in regards to their body and sexuality) with no qualms or regrets.
A picture isn’t going to change that.
Though I might get some unwarranted attention, your response to me "valuing my body" will be the same as those who are silly enough to make a crude distinction or comment about it…. &%^$%%*&%#$#%$!!!!!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Communion: Bell Hooks, Me and Our Thoughts on Love (Part One)
So last night I started reading another book by Bell Hooks… It centralizes on the Search for Love. It examines the dynamics of the family and the patriarchal system… She analyzes how these effects shape how we envision romantic relationships, and how those decisions help or hinder us in finding love.
Now, normally I would say Hooks has a tendency of impressing me. Her ability to conceptualize abstract constructions and apply them to the dynamic of relationships is innovative… and yet, even with my continual underlining of this book I have yet to be moved.
Maybe its’ because I feel as if I could have written this, and I think she has more to offer than my simple examinations or understanding of love and relationships.
Or maybe because her quest for fulfillment and love mirror mine… and though she is the voice for the marginalized, the silenced and the downtrodden .. nevertheless she is preaching to the choir.
For many reasons, I don’t feel the pain depicted in her loss of acceptance from her family, though I can honestly say I experienced something similar, and have yet to entirely recover from it.
Though I can empathize with her quest to find love outside of herself (when ultimately freedom and the actualization of love is an internal struggle, while the connections we form are the consequences of those developments), I am still unmoved.
Maybe it’s because I am frustrated. Frustrated at the notion of what we represent. As women we are acculturated, taught to be secondary, until it is apart our collective consciousness. Because of this we have an inherent need to prove that we are worthy of love. That our worth equates to the evaluation or devaluation of the people around us, while the manifestation of love (or our connections) is the measuring stick with which we define ourselves…
By discarding love for power, we perpetuate the patriarchal system. Acquiring control at the loss of our internal sense of self, of worth, and love.. is the new status-quo.
By disguising desperation and neediness as love.... we are given a false map, blindfolded, then asked to follow it in the hopes of seeking fulfillment… and no matter how lost we get, we rarely connect within ourselves to take off the blinders, and even when we do we rarely question the map, let alone ask anyone else for directions.
Nevertheless I learned today that I live between and within two factions:
The first faction lives in the past… They yearn and plead in loud clamors for me to discard love entirely. Or if I so chose to engage in the notion of marriage (cause god who wouldn’t want to get married!?!?), I should do it soon.
Conformity and Submission is key…and in return I may acquire and retain my sense of sanity, comfort, wealth, and potential autonomy…. In exchange I get to allow someone to take of me (have a roommate so to speak), remain alone (emotionally and psychologically), play into what society has laid out for me… and be safe…. For the rest of my life…
Sounds tempting…
The second faction I would like to call ‘the iconoclasts‘… they think it’s okay to destroy what we currently have in place…. They love the notion of dismantling all modes of constructions that beget domination. Which is nice on paper… but I left that idealistic sense of anarchy at the door when I was 15, and I don’t think I want to relive that period ever again…
So, why do I think this is ridiculous? Well…. It’s one thing to destroy the world, it’s another thing to reconstruct it.
They’ve spent so much time braking down walls, and still have yet to engender ways of creating a new world (and the ramifications of that world) to take it’s place. There is no discourse in how to enable girls to balance actual love and autonomy, let alone the ways in which society can generate a transformative way of creating such connections.
I remember once in my feminist theory course, everyone was all about dismantling the notion of a woman’s work within the home. And my caveat to that was… who replaces that role? Do we denigrate men into a role subjugation? And what are the consequences of such an upheaval? Why would someone want to dismantle a foundational part of our existence, something many derive power from….?
For example, women of color, derive a significant amount of power as the provider (and emotional bedrock) for their families….. They are forces that connect and strengthen our ties to the past, ourselves, and others. Why would anyone want to dismantle that?
Instead why can ‘t we just change our outlook, nurture the roles all people fill, instill respect and self-love and hope that filters out into the world…? We might not be able to change the way things are, but we can help ourselves and the people within our own worlds…. And if we play our cards right that should be enough.
Maybe if I read more I’ll change my mind about this book… maybe not… I’ll let you know.
Now, normally I would say Hooks has a tendency of impressing me. Her ability to conceptualize abstract constructions and apply them to the dynamic of relationships is innovative… and yet, even with my continual underlining of this book I have yet to be moved.
Maybe its’ because I feel as if I could have written this, and I think she has more to offer than my simple examinations or understanding of love and relationships.
Or maybe because her quest for fulfillment and love mirror mine… and though she is the voice for the marginalized, the silenced and the downtrodden .. nevertheless she is preaching to the choir.
For many reasons, I don’t feel the pain depicted in her loss of acceptance from her family, though I can honestly say I experienced something similar, and have yet to entirely recover from it.
Though I can empathize with her quest to find love outside of herself (when ultimately freedom and the actualization of love is an internal struggle, while the connections we form are the consequences of those developments), I am still unmoved.
Maybe it’s because I am frustrated. Frustrated at the notion of what we represent. As women we are acculturated, taught to be secondary, until it is apart our collective consciousness. Because of this we have an inherent need to prove that we are worthy of love. That our worth equates to the evaluation or devaluation of the people around us, while the manifestation of love (or our connections) is the measuring stick with which we define ourselves…
By discarding love for power, we perpetuate the patriarchal system. Acquiring control at the loss of our internal sense of self, of worth, and love.. is the new status-quo.
By disguising desperation and neediness as love.... we are given a false map, blindfolded, then asked to follow it in the hopes of seeking fulfillment… and no matter how lost we get, we rarely connect within ourselves to take off the blinders, and even when we do we rarely question the map, let alone ask anyone else for directions.
Nevertheless I learned today that I live between and within two factions:
The first faction lives in the past… They yearn and plead in loud clamors for me to discard love entirely. Or if I so chose to engage in the notion of marriage (cause god who wouldn’t want to get married!?!?), I should do it soon.
Conformity and Submission is key…and in return I may acquire and retain my sense of sanity, comfort, wealth, and potential autonomy…. In exchange I get to allow someone to take of me (have a roommate so to speak), remain alone (emotionally and psychologically), play into what society has laid out for me… and be safe…. For the rest of my life…
Sounds tempting…
The second faction I would like to call ‘the iconoclasts‘… they think it’s okay to destroy what we currently have in place…. They love the notion of dismantling all modes of constructions that beget domination. Which is nice on paper… but I left that idealistic sense of anarchy at the door when I was 15, and I don’t think I want to relive that period ever again…
So, why do I think this is ridiculous? Well…. It’s one thing to destroy the world, it’s another thing to reconstruct it.
They’ve spent so much time braking down walls, and still have yet to engender ways of creating a new world (and the ramifications of that world) to take it’s place. There is no discourse in how to enable girls to balance actual love and autonomy, let alone the ways in which society can generate a transformative way of creating such connections.
I remember once in my feminist theory course, everyone was all about dismantling the notion of a woman’s work within the home. And my caveat to that was… who replaces that role? Do we denigrate men into a role subjugation? And what are the consequences of such an upheaval? Why would someone want to dismantle a foundational part of our existence, something many derive power from….?
For example, women of color, derive a significant amount of power as the provider (and emotional bedrock) for their families….. They are forces that connect and strengthen our ties to the past, ourselves, and others. Why would anyone want to dismantle that?
Instead why can ‘t we just change our outlook, nurture the roles all people fill, instill respect and self-love and hope that filters out into the world…? We might not be able to change the way things are, but we can help ourselves and the people within our own worlds…. And if we play our cards right that should be enough.
Maybe if I read more I’ll change my mind about this book… maybe not… I’ll let you know.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Redeeming redemption
About a week ago I was listening to the guru gita. It’s a chant I tend to do every morning. Its 182 verses long and about 60 minutes (give or take long) in length. In these restless times I have finally resorted to chanting to gain a sense of clarity. It always seems to happen that after about 48:20 seconds into it I always have a difficult time concentrating and thoughts begin to linger. People begin to race around in my head.
The unfinished stuff.
So I began to clean my room, to regain some clarity and focus…and in the course of that found a lost treasure.
An archive of my past, and found one of the best gifts I've ever been given. The realization of some things triggered a resounding sadness within me. A longing I haven’t felt in a months, and in that wanted to redeem the gifts he once offered me.
Though I would be saddened if I never saw him again, I didn’t need him to come back, or even to see me for the acknowledgment to matter.
And so I wrote him a letter.
Today I was rereading it and thought about all of the people in my life, who have shaped or influenced me in some way... I thought about how much that actually means to me. To know I have hurt someone I care about effects me so much, that I thought maybe I could ask this of everyone…. So that even if it couldn’t be given, the invitation would always be there…
I would like to redeem these.
Forgiveness, because there is nothing else that I could ever ask of you or desire more than this.
Love, because in spite of it all, no matter where you go, or who you become I will always love you for you.
Reverence, because that is all I see and hope one day we can meet and share in the greatness of this.
If you are incapable of redeeming these gifts I harbor no ill will or sadness. And hope with all of my heart that can you give and receive these with all of your heart. For as much as you have made an impact on my capacity to love I hope you are able to experience that and so much more.
Take care of yourself,
Love always,
Elizabeth
The unfinished stuff.
So I began to clean my room, to regain some clarity and focus…and in the course of that found a lost treasure.
An archive of my past, and found one of the best gifts I've ever been given. The realization of some things triggered a resounding sadness within me. A longing I haven’t felt in a months, and in that wanted to redeem the gifts he once offered me.
Though I would be saddened if I never saw him again, I didn’t need him to come back, or even to see me for the acknowledgment to matter.
And so I wrote him a letter.
Today I was rereading it and thought about all of the people in my life, who have shaped or influenced me in some way... I thought about how much that actually means to me. To know I have hurt someone I care about effects me so much, that I thought maybe I could ask this of everyone…. So that even if it couldn’t be given, the invitation would always be there…
I would like to redeem these.
Forgiveness, because there is nothing else that I could ever ask of you or desire more than this.
Love, because in spite of it all, no matter where you go, or who you become I will always love you for you.
Reverence, because that is all I see and hope one day we can meet and share in the greatness of this.
If you are incapable of redeeming these gifts I harbor no ill will or sadness. And hope with all of my heart that can you give and receive these with all of your heart. For as much as you have made an impact on my capacity to love I hope you are able to experience that and so much more.
Take care of yourself,
Love always,
Elizabeth
Monday, May 19, 2008
An answer to my random question
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_much_wood_could_a_woodchuck_chuck_if_a_woodchuck_could_chuck_wood
thought it might be worth checking out.
thought it might be worth checking out.
Drinking the Kool Aid
I think the course has made me more sympathetic to the religious,
and slightly wary of those who fervently subscribe to
secularism/science.... It seems as if there's no impartiality to
either side, and the only way people will ever open themselves up to
such discourse (in a serious way) is to honestly listen to not only
theists and atheists, but everyone else in-between....
Maybe understanding the agnostic's perspective on spirituality and
science might shed some light on the conflicts and reconcilation
upon which this topic rests.
Reading authors like Roughgarden and Gingerich have diswayed me from
taking the religious seriously, while Dawkins and Hitchens unnerved
me with their dogmatic satire (actually Dawkins more than
Hitchens.... he actually makes it quite entertaining). Are they (the
atheists) fighting against religion or the existence of God? Is it
one in the same? Does denouncing what religion has done to the world
diminish the potentiality of the metaphysical?
I think the religious might need to persuade others (as Lane said),
through morality and emotionality. Not focusing so much on tradition
or ritualism, but instead connecting through the spiritual and
mystical experiences commonly shared.
I don't know what that would accomplish, but it might give skeptics
room to take believers somewhat seriously in this neverending debate
I think at the beginning of this course I started skeptical of
religion, but now I am truly skeptical of both. My ears are open to
both sides now, I'm just waiting to hear what they have to say.
--- In sciencereligion@yahoogroups.com, "marinating7"
wrote:
>
> has anyone had a change of heart regarding thier feerlings toward
> religion after all we have learned?? any comments?
>
and slightly wary of those who fervently subscribe to
secularism/science.... It seems as if there's no impartiality to
either side, and the only way people will ever open themselves up to
such discourse (in a serious way) is to honestly listen to not only
theists and atheists, but everyone else in-between....
Maybe understanding the agnostic's perspective on spirituality and
science might shed some light on the conflicts and reconcilation
upon which this topic rests.
Reading authors like Roughgarden and Gingerich have diswayed me from
taking the religious seriously, while Dawkins and Hitchens unnerved
me with their dogmatic satire (actually Dawkins more than
Hitchens.... he actually makes it quite entertaining). Are they (the
atheists) fighting against religion or the existence of God? Is it
one in the same? Does denouncing what religion has done to the world
diminish the potentiality of the metaphysical?
I think the religious might need to persuade others (as Lane said),
through morality and emotionality. Not focusing so much on tradition
or ritualism, but instead connecting through the spiritual and
mystical experiences commonly shared.
I don't know what that would accomplish, but it might give skeptics
room to take believers somewhat seriously in this neverending debate
I think at the beginning of this course I started skeptical of
religion, but now I am truly skeptical of both. My ears are open to
both sides now, I'm just waiting to hear what they have to say.
--- In sciencereligion@yahoogroups.com, "marinating7"
>
> has anyone had a change of heart regarding thier feerlings toward
> religion after all we have learned?? any comments?
>
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