learning within. thoughts on trust.

is it possible to truly be wrong about some thing, when everything in your heart tells you it's right?

i realized that in the last 5 years i've continually pushed myself to believe in something... many things that weren't true... and now when everything feels in place, feels like its supposed or meant to be... is when i begin to trivialize everything.

i have gotten used to the ground being pulled out from under me.... falling on my face one two many times has left me with more bruises and broken bones than i honestly care to mention... at this point i feel embarassed by the slips and falls i've taken, maybe less than the next, but still i can't help but wonder, when i'm going to fall again?

even the slightest amount of disconnection leaves me discontent, wondering, pondering in the what if's, and not in the nows. i spend so much time flustering, that i drown and flounder in my own fear.

when you're entire life you've been taught to trust logic, trust rationality and not in your intuition... or even worse, in yourself... then what are we.. am i to believe in....? when the foundation laid in front of you is built upon faulty ground.... what is there to truly lean on? what am i to believe? especially when it's one made of your own doing, what do you do? how do we change?

how do i learn to trust the only thing that has always been, and will always be there.... myself?

seamless thoughts on the 101

like a broken road, cracked at the seams,
rigid lines pave the way for a new lane.

running at a stationary pace
monoxide coats my sunburned skin.
i feel the hot air
in the cool heat
through my hair
in my heart
as I taste the rain
salty from exhaust fumes.

each exit a constant reminder
of where i'm going .
what i'm building.
and silently breaking.

pacing each step as if
placing steps
here
and not there
will get
me
to
Us
quicker.

forcing clicks,
numbers
on an faulty odometer
seem to say,
but never show
the true points of my linear progression.

for within these moments
I am slowly
awakening.
shedding
dreaming
flying faster
if only to go
nowhere
just to get
closer
to
you.

for
within
you
i see
us
only to find
myself
yearning to be
found again
when
i
am without
you.

Late Night Talk Over Whole Questions and Half Truths

So I had a conversation with a friend, about what else!?!?!?

Relationships, of course…

And how the people we've dated (in the past) have discussed and represented their relationships (about us) to others....

I've come to the realization that I have yet to really be in a relationship where I felt the other person was all there, or really represented the relationship truthfully to the people around them.

In many ways I falsely perceived or was made to believe that the relationship is actuality deeper than it truly was… and subsequently it's been the one thing that has enabled me to take steps back, and not forward, within my relationships.

It's painful having to air out my laundry to others… but in many ways its an essential step for all parties involved. It makes the transition actual. It makes those who need closure truly able to let go. Until then everyone is suspended within the 'what if's', unable to entirely hold on or let go.

For me, in many ways, its what enables me to forgo my fears, trust another… and trust myself, entirely.

Until then, its all biding time…. Delaying the inevitable, which is unfair… I can be patient with many things, but my heart is not one of them.

But then again I could be wrong.

Old Lessons ReLearned.... Review

So I had some interesting thoughts about the last couple of weeks, maybe things I've learned or need to re-learn.... things I have actualized…
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1. Listening, or finding a place where I can listen to those willing to share themselves with me is a humbling experience.... An experience I'd definitely like to do more of.

2. That the anger of another individual is not a fault within my own person, but a lack of understanding within theirs…
Nevertheless this does not put me above or below them...and forces me to understand my own shortcomings so that i may one day change them.

3. That letting go is something I should do more often, because as terrifying as it is… the fall is just as amazing as it is liberating.

4. Realizing that people are living their own lives, and may come around when it is convenient for them, but the true ones will remain even long after they've over stayed their welcome.

5. That true love (of any kind) is unconditional.. Whether that be family, romantic, platonic or anything else in-between.. That I must accept that most relationships have stipulations, but just because they do doesn't mean I need to hold back or give any less of myself…..

How can I expect for someone to give it, let alone receive it, if I am unwilling to do the same?

6. That my passions will never be fulfilled unless I work to achieve them, every day of my life.

7. That happiness is something I (we) must all fight for. Finding it, maintaining it… is a constant struggle that is inherent within life. And though people have a tendency to become lax when things work out, contentment is as transient as any other experience. Just as one fights their way into good… One must fight just as hard to stay there.

8. That though I feel disconnected from many of the things that I love, I have been fortunate enough to find something that enables me to shed my skin... mend rendered sutures, and save all of the good parts left within me, so that I may one day be able to it give back to those around me.

9. That contentment can be just as contagious and pervasive as sadness or anger. That when one is able to truly experience a constant state of happiness it can be shared and passed on to the people around them.

10. That I must not worry about the happiness of those around me, so much that it detracts from my own sanity.

11. That I miss you. Still

12. That i need to just stop worrying about what's not there and be with what is.

13. That I am still here, if you need me, all you have to do is ask.

Conversations about Consideration

I had a discussion today about the concept of consideration. Consideration is usually something I do with willful deliberation. I have always been one to consider another person’s feelings above my own. And though, there will be times, where I am not always aware of how my actions effect others, I try to make a considerable effort to attend to their feelings.

But the conversation made me wonder…. how much of that actually gets reciprocated?

And why is it that I am so unaware of how inconsiderate others can be to me?

I hate to be someone who values receiving what you put out in the world, considering that (to me) it lessens the notion of altruism.

Normally I don’t equate how much I receive from others as a measuring stick, but today someone pointed out that I don’t (if rarely) always receive my fair share…. That I usually put out more, and share more of myself than the next... that by the time I have exhausted my ability to give, I have none left for myself or others who truly deserve it.

Similar discussions always remind me of a previous conversation I once had… About 3 years ago I was talking to a partner after a serious breakup of 4 ½ years. At that point in our relationship, the overwhelming stress had pushed me close to a physical and psychological breakdown.

In midst of the argument I had asked him had he once (in the course of our relationship), really asked himself what was truly best for me? Had he asked himself what would put me more at ease, make me more fulfilled? What would make me happy? And if so, how could he be apart of that process?

He sat quietly, suddenly began to sob and replied ‘no’.

The questions, and his response, in many ways typify many of the relationships I have experienced throughout my life. Having to be responsible for my happiness and the happiness of those around me is inherent in my disposition.

But its difficult when one is constantly bombarded with individuals unwilling or incapable of doing giving the same.

So this left me thinking, is there ever truly such a thing as reciprocity? Does someone ever truly receive what they so willingly give (of themselves)?

a new journey, what real love is (to me)

i can't, am not... in a place to write poetry or prose. maybe for the first time ever... for many reasons.

particularly because for the first time in my life i am content ... inside and out, floundering and drowning into myself... into someone…. worth my reciprocity.

its as if my words are lost because i am found within him. and i like the thought of that.
and for as much as i have a tendency to complicate love, or the things around me.. when i see him, embrace and consume him, it all fades.. and all that is left is us.....

though the notion of falling into the middle scares me, i like that i will have to search for a new language, a new book to convey my place within the world.... that i have to draw inspiration from a real sense of love and happiness.

though sadness is an inherent part of my condition, for the first time in my life i don't miss it. i don't long for sadness or melancholy. i love where my heart goes and where his love puts me. and as i slowly unfold unto him, i will know that my journey and his accompaniment in that journey was worth the sacrifice.

past thoughts: on the state of the world

i wrote this over a year ago, i don't know if i posted it, but if i did, no one seemed to want to initiate any discourse about it... considering the state of the world, maybe it will matter just a little more.. maybe not
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So I drove around, getting lost in the fives and nines..... blinded by the lights of the greens and grays.

I revisited the bad parts of my past. Not to hurt, but to remind myself of how bad it could be. Of where I am now. In the process of this minor venture I found a secluded area in Venice/Culver City that was hidden from the rest of the sprawl. A stretch of projects and broken homes. The destitute, the walking dead, undocumented workers, fatherless children, many with no homes to hide from the refuge of the world.

I wonder how many people have seen it? I wonder how much people would actually care if they did?

So close to an affluent part of this sub-culture.

Unseen by most, only those who seek shelter from the ravages of life elsewhere.

I find it so fascinating that you can walk less than a mile and see such massive wealth and extreme poverty. Everyone has been inundated by the dualities of class, yet don’t seem care…. Unless it relates to them.

And if you say that’s not true, prove me wrong. What have you, I, or we as a culture done to change the perpetuation of poverty?

When are we not coveting the material?

We even covet people to point where we have discarded the value of life and made it a commodity.

How much of your life is consumed by empty things?

It’s too late to ignore the fact that we are falling into a recession….. Maybe even a depression… We ignore the fact that this country spends more of it’s resources fighting wars and containing convicted felons than educating it’s youth. Why are millions of Americans are uninsured? Why are social programs becoming non-existent?

We act as if we are a classless culture, and yet we struggle. Struggle to have a future of stability, for ourselves and our children. It’s a continual struggle that we don’t discuss. We don’t even discuss the currency we incur, or the costs at which we sacrifice to incur them.

I wonder why we see it all and do nothing? Why we are consumed with other peoples problems when yet we can’t even fix ourselves? Or better yet, why are so many individuals apathetic to any other needs but their own?

I understand that you have bills to pay, work to manage, a life to live. But honestly, what are you really working towards? What are you really working for?

Why place yourself and your children in institutions that don’t truly care about your development, autonomy, or well-being? To work for something that does nothing to contribute to anything but the perpetuation of hegemonic ideologies at the expense of critical thought?

And if you see that you must acknowledge or at least pose the question, “what do we as a society value? What do you as an individual strive for, and how do you demonstrate those strivings?”

We all contribute to apart of history, no matter how insignificant.

So what legacy do we leave with ourselves? With our future?

Do we do what‘s easy, or do we do something different?

And if we so, where do we begin?

September 8, 2007

sex, my body, and my response to your response.

So I got a comment on my profile picture today… explaining that putting my body on display doesn’t correlate to acquiring respect. Which in a lot of ways is probably true. The objectification of the female body has always been one of a dualistic distinction. We as women have been taught that we need to keep our clothes on to garner respect. My whole thing is…. Honestly, who really cares?

My body is mine and mine alone. It is the expression of whatever I choose it to be…. Whether mother, or saint, or whore.. My body is just that… a body. It comprises all and none of those things, because we as a society label others and ourselves that way.

Nevertheless, what connotations I place upon myself are founded upon things that inhibit my desire to express or hide my sexuality. It does not make me any less of a woman to show my body, as it equally does not make me any less of woman to put it on.

We as women fit many roles, some we proudly share with the rest of the world… some we lock away in dark closets because of the shame we ascribe to it…. But why should we have to..? Why should anyone?

I understand the issues feminists make about the exploitation of bodies and how we as females perpetuate subjugation by buying into what society wants us to be as women… but has anyone ever asked.. Why can’t I be expressive, or sexy, or provocative and still maintain an internal sense of integrity and respect?

It’s not being naked that makes me a whore or a slut, it’s the label that you place upon the action that makes it so. The event in an of itself is neutral, relative…. But because I am female, and scantly clad I have instantaneously lessened my status as a woman within the world….. Really?

My respect is developed within my person, and the choices that I make. The fact that I am comfortable with revealing parts of myself is some thing that should not devalue my character. And, if anyone decides to judge me simply based on the fact that I dress or act or look provocative…. that is not some one I want to associate with.

I spent the last 8 months around an individual who continually devalued and judged me based upon these things…. Things I’ve spent my entire life battling with. I have come to terms with the fact that people are threatened by the notion a woman who respects themselves enough to make many of the same decisions men make (in regards to their body and sexuality) with no qualms or regrets.

A picture isn’t going to change that.

Though I might get some unwarranted attention, your response to me "valuing my body" will be the same as those who are silly enough to make a crude distinction or comment about it…. &%^$%%*&%#$#%$!!!!!!