Quote of the Day: Thoughts on the Self

"I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature. I discovered that I am not disciplined out of virtue but as a reaction to my negligence, that I appear generous in order to conceal my meanness, that I am conciliatory in order not to succumb to my repressed rage, that I am punctual only to hide how little I care about other people's time. I learned, in short, that love is not a condition of the spirit but a sign of the zodiac."

-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

When observing others, I have always wondered if they would ever be able to actualize such deficiencies within themselves. For all I can ever see is a succession of limitations within my own being.

Quote of the Day: Thoughts on Ignorance

"...your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known. Unfortunately, it seems to work backwards at the moment, and even I can find no way to set it right. It must be that you are meant to find your own way to reach your power in time; but frankly, you should live so long as that will take you. Therefore I grant it that you shall not age from this day forth, but will travel the world round and round, eternally inefficient, until at last you come to yourself and know what you are. Do not thank me. I tremble at your doom."

-Peter S. Beagle (The Last Unicorn, 1968)

good enough

i will never be that sound.. that carry over enhancing the space that lulls your heart to sing.
my beat will never click with your feet… will never carry a constant tune... for my syncopation is always on the 1, falling two steps behind the 3.
my notes dance in subtle tones that are only felt in silence. lingered by the scent of your song.
i will never be that voice you think of when you reach out into the darkness, for my hand is steady… a light that will never burn away..
i will never be that shadow that you wish to walk behind, for my silhouette is grooved the in spaces that wait for hurts to heal.
i won't break your heart that way, that unrequited desire that makes you yearn for more.
i am only me. flawed in my unseeming perfection. broken but whole enough to not give you what you think you need.
I can only give you this. this song, this tune, this shade, this heart.
I can only give you love.

Quote of the Day: Thoughts on Music

Music is most often used for communication because it transcends language barriers and circumvents emotional walls. If your music is doing neither of those things, maybe you’re not a musician. -Gavin Castleton

would you.

I can’t help that being here breaks me, mends me, makes me tender. I wish I could be stronger, careful, deliberate, different...

But understand that I can only be this, and apologize that though it is hard, I am always trying.

Then again, you've never made it easy to be careless, or care less. So, though we both wish I could stop, would you really want me to?

Dear Sir: Notes on an Afterthought

This house was not built by me, not entirely.

Such an enclosing space is safe, but this warmth is an accompaniment, not a compliment…

You might ask why?...
Confused at your contentment, when compared to my own.

And my answer would be: because, you have shown me your world, and yet never cared enough to ask me of mine. You share your heart willingly, and never ask for all of it in return, all of me. You love the notion of space, but have never felt the warmth of home.

And all because you’ve never cared enough to ask.

I now realize that my salve makes our walls firmer, and though I occupy this space, these bricks were assembled before I ever decided to extend my stay.

For those who might find comfort in deconstructing, I could see how one would feel constricted.

And yet, I feel less at ease in your quiet apprehension, in your implicit excitement at my slight departure, more at a loss for every step not taken, sadder with every walk not given.

To feel as if I am the cause and catalyst for much good and disenchantment is heartbreaking. I think it would be narcissistic to believe I could be more... for you. for us.

Then again I’ve never been one stay in one place. And for as much as I love misery, I could never live there, not with you. Not with anyone. Not anymore.

We are not so different, you and I.
I just wish you understood the difference.