Are we so different?

I have been told that men and women are different in many ways... but the more I explore the notion of desire, the more I realize that our similarities mesh and overlap in ways that make us indistinguishable.

One example: The other day I was driving down Highland Blvd.... just a regular day, like any other.... and approaching me happened to be the most attractive man i have ever seen in my life.... ever.. and when i mean ever i absolutely unequivocally mean EVER.... so attractive… that i and the 15 women in front of me stopped our cars and watched him run past all of us... eyes wide... jaws dropped.... in awe.

I couldn't believe it.

Because of this I started ponder the ways in which women are driven by desire... Maybe there are significant differences… I don’t necessarily think so.... I think people are driven based off of their personal experiences... but when you are attracted, the physiological response is similar.

Another example: Watching D'Angelo's Untitled video.... now I normally enjoy watching videos in general. But this, for me is probably the most visceral video I have ever seen in my life. The song is exceptionally sensual, erotic... subtle and yet overtly sexual...

In all honesty, watching this video throws my brain into upheaval.

I absolutely lose my shit.

I start getting the shakes.... I become increasingly uncomfortable.... I have even been known to break into tears watching that boy. No joke.

I cannot watch it without thinking: I don't know what to do with myself. How is this even possible? I'm absolutely speechless.

Rarely has anything in my life put me in a situation where I would lose all sense of autonomy or self-control (give or take a person or two).

Nevertheless, he might just be one of the sexiest males alive... and not because he is attractive, that definitely helps... but he owns his sexuality.... his swag... whatever you want to call it… and yet, he doesn't over do it... he's not such a dominating presence that it overwhelming.

He just owns it... and i could see me falling over myself... acting the complete fool for someone like that…. which is strange (for me). And yet not entirely foreign.

i don't know. just a thought random thought i guess.

D'Angelo - Untitled (How Does It Feel)
Uploaded by mutsu_onikage - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

What I Converse About: In 3 Minutes Flat

I had this conversation a little over a year ago.... it seems to be a reoccuring one. I figure, better to know now then ask later. I guess reflecting back on it not much has changed.

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Friend: What goes on in that head of yours Elizabeth?……

Me: …….. I don't know. Do you want the dumbed down version, or something mildly poetic?

Friend: How about both…?

Me: Ummmmm…. What's in my head…… ummmm.
Ok….. My Head is a continual stream of consciousness looking for it's ocean.
Filled in lines with no ellipses; commas, or periods……
My head is a rambling abode of chaos with only rhyme and no reason.
It tends to fuck with treasonous thoughts, if only because it brings me closer to an edge…
my edge of understanding.
I am my own conundrum.
My head is a container of neurosis that spills out from time to time.
The destructive child.
The mother who cleans up the messes.
My head is warring alongside the world with a silent hope for peace.
My head is waiting.
Waiting for my heart to catch up, because it's tired of running too fast, and feeling so slow.
My head is yearning for the next walk, because it misses the sound of his footsteps.
My head is loud, quiet, still… erratic.
Moving toward cessation.
My head is humpty dumpty after the second fall.
My head is a drummer… the dimmer switch, my catalyst for light.
A lens projecting the disfigured state of the world, gracefully.
An idolizing fool mimicking what my heart once was.
My head is aching from dissonance, digging through clutter to find clarity, trying to find the words, a connection that makes me feel less lonely than being alone.
So where is my head these days….?
Everywhere but where it should reside, and yet in the exact place it needs to be….

Friend: Oh….. So what's the mildly poetic version?

Me: That's it's blank most of the day and when synapses occasionally fire it comes up with an odd thought that instantaneously gets sidetracked by shiny things.

Friend: Sounds about right.

Me: Yeah…. Yeah it does. =/

Somber Solace.

To Verona:

It was strange to hear your voice today. Somewhat somber, somewhat different. You came in with that same line, same mode of arbitrary information. Words just to hear your own, words to drown mine out.

Repeating the same line over and over again. A seamless sequence of non-sequential thought patterns.

and then you stopped.

Silence.

Every battle you've always chosen to fight alone. Paths I would have willingly… desperately crossed with you were not to be ventured. Paths I would inevitably cross because of your unwillingness to share.

Nevertheless, your return was always my solace. War-ridden but victorious, this was you… and in effect so was I. The strength, the will to proceed as if nothing penetrated that impenetrable exterior… into your precious veneer… was my strength…. and is still mine in many ways.

I've never heard you beg before. I only maybe ever seen you broken once. But that once was enough to shatter me profoundly.

And yet today.... something was very foreign, very different. I now realize that you've lost. Lost a million times, in a million different ways, that I will never fully comprehend… because you have chosen to carry the entirety of this burden alone.

And yet as it broke, as you broke… all I could do was hold you, and say that I'm sorry.

All I could do was give into this, into you. Give you all of myself in the ways I had always wished you would, but was too proud to ask.

As we broke away, back into the sequence of non-sequential thought patterns, all I could think was… how did we get here?

How is it, that no matter how hard I try to shake you we are inseparable? so similar that if I were ever to take one false step, I could be here.

I could be you.

All I could do was hold tighter. cling to that moment.

To you.

To us….. harder than I've ever held on to anything in my life.

Because for all my loss, all of my heartache you were the only one I've always come back to. The only solace to ever console me, as I to you.

Personal Disclaimer.

one thing before i fly off the handle.. my own personal disclaimer...

i wouldn't suggest putting any stock into what i say today.

due to a lack of sleep... i have a severe case of mental instability, and a dash of mania in there somewhere.

With those two elements you will come to see a very different side of me.... a socially akward kid who occasionally says funny things and is super spastic. even more so than i already am...

and for those who actually know me, that's really saying something

though i have a feeling my commentary will make most do a double take, i would suggest that you just smile.... nod in amazement and go about your day.... that is of course unless you need a little comic relief or are in the mood for some interesting conversation.

stay tuned.

Autoreply: Dear Sir, Third Person again.

Dear Sir,

It's the Third Person again. I know how much you love emails... typed written letters... or letters in general, but I thought I should pass this on to you.

The days here are becoming increasing more disjointed on the home front.

More fragmented.

I am genuinely becoming worried about the First. I know that placing everything in limbo seems reasonable. But I'm starting to wonder... Concern increasing by the moment.

Maybe this is supposed to happen. Maybe her sadness is a last ditch effort to hold on to something. In many ways that seems to make the most sense.

Nevertheless... I can't help but think you are going to lose her. Not in pieces.

But entirely. irrevocably.

And I don't know if there is any coming back from that. Well, irrevocable means just that I guess... Doesn't it? One does not come back. Does not build. There is nothing left.... To say or to do.

Then again maybe it's a phase, maybe...

Maybe she is fine and my concern is exaggerated by unfounded fears.

But maybe it's not.

Just thought you should know.

Sincerely,
Third Person.

Dear Sir, Third Person Sending Minor Request.

Dear Sir,

Speaking in the third person, i can tell that the first person wanted to let you know that she misses you.

Though i don't entirely know how comfortable she is with me conveying that, it is a fact.

And as the third person i can honesty say that she misses you so much that i am beginning to miss you too.

And i don't know how comfortable i am with conveying that fact.... nevertheless that statement is also true.

I guess if you spend enough time around a person you start to take on their qualities.... this is one of them. Though i notice it more days than others, today was pretty apparent.

Other than that, i can't say or shouldn't say much.... but from what i can tell she in good spirits, she doesn't talk often.... though as her representative i usually handle all diplomatic interaction and affairs considering her mental state.... she's not crazy or losing it... she's just usually pensive, melancholy.. and mostly in hiding.

Though, I don't honestly think I should be writing this... it doesn't feel like the right time... though will there ever be an appropriate time? If she geniunely knew i was doing this she would get upset, but i think it needed to be said... if not understood.

There's a lot of mending that needs to get done, and things are better where they are at the moment. Maybe not for her, or for you... but for where things inevitably need to be.

So i guess whenever you receive this message, if you want to write her and let her know (that's if you agree with the sentiment), then you should... However, if you disagree with this... you can kindly or not-so-kindly respond to me and I will convey the message.

Sincerely,
Third Person.

nevertheless. my response to you.

I am okay.
Maybe not as okay as I’d like to be…. But nevertheless okay.
I move at various paces. Sometimes fast, occasionally slow, but nevertheless I move.
I muster the space to move regardless of my sadness. But that does not diminish my sense of loss.
I have nothing to prove, to you or to anyone. And nevertheless I feel as if unless I lose my shit, break down in the middle of the dance floor.. I’m perceived as some heartless individual or genuinely cared less.
No.
No.
No.
I break on my off time. I break at work. I break at various points throughout the day.
I break in the silence spaces interspersed with bouts of confusion and if I’m lucky a moment of laughter.
Just because your overtness is more apparent does not diminish any lack of loss on my end. Above all I find it quite fascinating that you don’t seem to understand my behavior given the fact you do many of the same things i do, except you're much better at playing composed than i ever will be.
But it is not me fighting with myself.
It is not me mending and breaking, structuring and refracturing my mind to get a better understanding of where I am.
I have made peace with where I am now, and where I will choose to be.
I loved this. I gave into all of this. And out of respect for your wishes… for us, I’ve left this alone. I let this go.

Nevertheless if you wanted to see how much of an array I truly am in you can always ask.

If you truly wanted to understand my sense of loss you could always ask….
Truly ask… how are you?

Friday Run-Thru

Highlights of my day:

i picked up my guitar for the first time in years and sang.

i danced in a circle for almost an hour.

a good friend i haven't heard from years reached out to me.

my doctor appt lasted approximately 20 minutes, wait time, paperwork, diagnosis: faster than a drive thru.

i was genuinely happy all day.

Cons:

i may have lost a something/someone i care for very deeply.. nevertheless it is for the best.

What I learned from all of this...?

that i am truly resilient.

that there are so many people that truly care and are supportive of me. and despite my flaws, they understand me.

that friendship is not only a two way street, but that it can never develop a genuine foundation without tests to measure it's strength.

that learning to stand on your own two feet regardless of the influences around you.... is what truly makes you a man/woman. and without that you might never individualize what you truly need in life.

that contentment like relationships are inherently work. its is something that you must fight for. Finding it, maintaining it… is a constant struggle that is inherent within life. And though people have a tendency to become lax when things work out, contentment is as transient as any other experience. Just as one fights their way into good… One must fight just as hard to stay there.

other than that.... i'm at a loss. hopefully these insights will be enough... i'll guess we'll have to wait and see.