Anaïs Nin: Part I- Friendship (To Eric)

speaking to you is like singing to a mirror.

the left to my right

my shadow.

my dearest friend. always.

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""I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."- Anaïs Nin

All Apologies

I've been a bit self-conscious lately.

Internalizing interactions.

No matter how small, or acute, my thoughts have been more deliberate. More careful.

I see my emotions quickly rising…. And in that just as easily subsiding.

My thoughts weathering the storm of resistance.

Like an unobtrusive observer, I see others reactions to things.

I feel how it affects me…. How I affect others.

I see these interactions swirl.

The transitory notions that I have no control over.

And I can’t help but make silent apologies.

Apologies for any and all of my choices, for my inaction…. My indecisions.

For others derisions.

For anything anyone could possibly apologize for.

I hear myself… and I can’t help but to say “I am sorry”.

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Until about 2 years ago, people asked me why I apologized so much.

Why I apologized for the littlest things…. for the things that others did… for things that needed no acknowledgment of an apology.

And I am beginning to understand why.

I’m beginning to understand that everyone needs to hear a notion of empathy and considerateness.

That everyone needs to be acknowledged in a way that enables them to connect with compassion.

Cause all it takes is an act of thoughtfulness and a little loss of ego to genuinely say:

“I am sorry.”

“I am sorry for your loss.”

“I am sorry for any trespasses that I or others may have caused you.”

“I am sorry for the hurt you have placed upon yourself.”

“(with all of my heart) I am truly, deeply sorry.”

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Maybe if I say it enough these feelings will ease my melancholy into a peaceful silence.

Just maybe.

haiku strings

Swirls of brown hues
playful blues that drip off lips
the saddest farewell

mornings wakeful kiss
blissfulness only in your eyes
does the day begin

does the evening end
when you turn into my bed
shallow the sweetest tears

kiss my neck, my ear
whisper the only truths I hear
drowning in your eyes.