Redeeming redemption

About a week ago I was listening to the guru gita. It’s a chant I tend to do every morning. Its 182 verses long and about 60 minutes (give or take long) in length. In these restless times I have finally resorted to chanting to gain a sense of clarity. It always seems to happen that after about 48:20 seconds into it I always have a difficult time concentrating and thoughts begin to linger. People begin to race around in my head.

The unfinished stuff.

So I began to clean my room, to regain some clarity and focus…and in the course of that found a lost treasure.

An archive of my past, and found one of the best gifts I've ever been given. The realization of some things triggered a resounding sadness within me. A longing I haven’t felt in a months, and in that wanted to redeem the gifts he once offered me.

Though I would be saddened if I never saw him again, I didn’t need him to come back, or even to see me for the acknowledgment to matter.

And so I wrote him a letter.

Today I was rereading it and thought about all of the people in my life, who have shaped or influenced me in some way... I thought about how much that actually means to me. To know I have hurt someone I care about effects me so much, that I thought maybe I could ask this of everyone…. So that even if it couldn’t be given, the invitation would always be there…

I would like to redeem these.

Forgiveness, because there is nothing else that I could ever ask of you or desire more than this.

Love, because in spite of it all, no matter where you go, or who you become I will always love you for you.

Reverence, because that is all I see and hope one day we can meet and share in the greatness of this.

If you are incapable of redeeming these gifts I harbor no ill will or sadness. And hope with all of my heart that can you give and receive these with all of your heart. For as much as you have made an impact on my capacity to love I hope you are able to experience that and so much more.

Take care of yourself,
Love always,
Elizabeth