I've been a bit self-conscious lately.
Internalizing interactions.
No matter how small, or acute, my thoughts have been more deliberate. More careful.
I see my emotions quickly rising…. And in that just as easily subsiding.
My thoughts weathering the storm of resistance.
Like an unobtrusive observer, I see others reactions to things.
I feel how it affects me…. How I affect others.
I see these interactions swirl.
The transitory notions that I have no control over.
And I can’t help but make silent apologies.
Apologies for any and all of my choices, for my inaction…. My indecisions.
For others derisions.
For anything anyone could possibly apologize for.
I hear myself… and I can’t help but to say “I am sorry”.
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Until about 2 years ago, people asked me why I apologized so much.
Why I apologized for the littlest things…. for the things that others did… for things that needed no acknowledgment of an apology.
And I am beginning to understand why.
I’m beginning to understand that everyone needs to hear a notion of empathy and considerateness.
That everyone needs to be acknowledged in a way that enables them to connect with compassion.
Cause all it takes is an act of thoughtfulness and a little loss of ego to genuinely say:
“I am sorry.”
“I am sorry for your loss.”
“I am sorry for any trespasses that I or others may have caused you.”
“I am sorry for the hurt you have placed upon yourself.”
“(with all of my heart) I am truly, deeply sorry.”
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Maybe if I say it enough these feelings will ease my melancholy into a peaceful silence.
Just maybe.
