My So-Called Life and Thoughts on So-Called Friends.

So over the last week or so I have been having a reoccurring discussion about the notion of friendship. What it means to be someone's friend, how to give and receive it. And lately, this analysis has made me reevaluate that notion. I had a conversation the other day with someone who made me realize that choosing sides not only doesn't make you a friend, it devalues the integrity of what's been built, especially if you cannot be honest.

When relationships are built on conditions and stipulations, words and the trust built over time count for nothing. Even when one has to pick sides, it's up to those individuals to be up front in honest. Cause at the end of the day, if they were in my shoes I don't know if they would be as tolerant if someone they cared and respected were behaving the same way.

I hear people talking about how it's difficult to find and cultivate relationships in LA… and I know for a fact that isn't entirely true. It takes two people to build, just like it takes two individuals to brake down a relationship. If one is unable to deepen ties or find people to share their lives with at the end of the day, one must stop looking at the sequential events unfolding and realign oneself in the mirror.

I have lost many people throughout my life, and not entirely of my own volition. They, made a decision to keep me at arms length, be dishonest, hide certain things and convey themselves in an disingenuous way. Though I cannot abdicate myself from my own part in the deterioration of past relationships… I have paid many dues. Nevertheless, I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, to a fault

But I can think of many times where I have stuck my neck out for some of these people, … and thinking about it in retrospect, I know now they would have never done the same. And that realization is ok.

This understanding enables me to establish a different place those people in my life, forgive them for their slights… and remind myself never be so selfish as to behave in a way that knowingly devalues the integrity of my relationship with someone I truly care for.

And if someone chooses to cut themselves out of my life, it is a loss I will not lose sleep over….

Self Assessments in Self Deprecating Mode

Most days:
…. I don’t know how to be strong. And though I might appear to be, it feels more like a guise. In actuality, my strength lies in my acceptance of being broken and the tolerance of staying there.
…. I only give to compensate for my inherently selfish ways, which I struggle with on daily basis.
…. I’m indecisive, because regardless of my foresight I lack the ambition to really move forward.
….I have an overwhelming need to understand because I usually feel disconnected.
….When I appear to be the most put together are the days I fight with myself the most.
…. I give more than I should, so that no one truly see that I rarely give (of myself) at all.
…. I use my personality to compensate for my low self-esteem.

But am overall

…. Beyond my cynicism lies someone who uses hope and idealism to encourage and inspire myself, and if I’m lucky the people around me.
….Cares and gives even at the expense of myself.
….is someone who secretly never gives up.
….someone who’s come a lot further than I’d like to admit.
….someone who is waiting to share and find people willing to give those special parts of myself.
….credulous, even when I know I shouldn’t be.
…. someone who likes who I’ve become.

What does that mean?

That I’m a self-deprecating idealist, who still wants to change the world. And this point the only thing stopping me…. is myself.