This is the first year that I'm not actually not spending the holidays with my family. I called my mother today, talked to my father. Can't speak to either one of them without crying. It's been hard these past years. Trying to maintain my own life and not feel responsible for others.
I understand that leaving LA and the people I love was a choice I decided to make, but I can't help but feel guilty. That I should be with them, and because I am not it somehow means I care less.
I know this isn't true.... And somewhere deep down i know that they understand, or at least I hope that they do.
At the same time, this is the first year I am spending it with people who not do not have access to their family....
I, on the other hand, do. No matter how dysfunctional, have a wonderful family who in spite of their faults love me. I have a best friend who also has a amazing family who supports me like their own. Friends who understand and care for me in ways people could only dream of.
I have those things... and though I don't have much to show in any tangible sense, i have a rich life, which is measured by my understanding of the world and the people that fill that space.
and for this I am thankful.... very very thankful.
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