my offering

your name, a question.
the phrase asked a million times
my answer, still always
the same.
a resounding blank
a tremendous blinking
my response heard by only those who can detect whispers
of songs that carry sound waves in your key.

you ask, how i feel... what i mean to say,
as my only reply is this
my offering laid across your table
my olive branch beneath your head

that as much as i've tried to fight
and wrestle this notion of feeling.
i have tripped,
tumbled,
stumbled,
drowned
fallen
into and over all that is
you.

and if by chance i am able to
catch the weight of my fall
i crawl
walk
sway upon the thought of us.

stopping dead in my tracks
by the leveling of your eyes.

i now realize that
your pull has got me stuck
stranded
sated.
got my breasts swelling, my heart melting,
my thighs aching to be spread
apart
upon this alter

if only for an afterthought
and the chance to be with you.

i can't help that
i
love
everything
about
you.

every piece that melds your form
and makes you you
and all the things that i've yet explored
i know i will love too.

for i don't see or feel the sounds
our songs make when you're not near
the colors that only magnify
life when your lying next to me.

apart... i float through time frozen
till you sing in our frequency.
standing still
waiting
hoping
this isn't a half-hearted
pipe dream drowning me in technicolor.

an empty promise
in a pretty box.

i want an ellipsis in this
an unending sequence
a flowing of words
seamless
abundant
filling me to the brim until there is
no you or i
just us.

a question
an answer
as i await your return.

thoughts on the weekend. my proverbial hangover

here's what i've learned.....

any type of candy... chocolate, eye candy, or nose candy is probably not the best idea in copious amounts. anything other than lollipops and dancing is a bit too much for my constitution.

that i can listen to the cure all day every day.... for probably the rest of the fall and it will feel like summer all over again.

that awkward circumstances aren't as uncomfortable as the people that involve them... that i thrive on such interactions... nevertheless, it isn't my job to make the apprehensive come around.

that being there doesn't make me any less available.

that she had a better weekend than i did, and i still don't mind.

that my moods are occasionally cyclical.... going in up, down but the shock of this weekend has put me in an emotional stasis.... one of which i am still waiting to absorb.

that hangovers suck... but nothing some water and rest couldn't cure.

that for as much as i don't mind the lack of definitiveness in my life, i'm starting to dislike and almost detest the gray matter that surrounds it.

that i do miss him.

that i don't miss you.

that i don't know or want to know you anymore.

that i'm beginning to understand you and i like what you mean to me.

that you're the best handler i've ever met and i should have taken you up on your proposition... one for which i will be kicking myself in the ass for a million times over.

that maybe she is right. which makes me wrong.

maybe giving up on it all isn't a bad thing.

and that it's time to grow up.

maybe.

recollections of the fall.

walking from my car to your door in the cool autumn rain, might have been one of the most beautiful experiences i've had in years. that and.. waking up to the warmth of your eyes.

Addendum: Retracting but Not.

I am retracting my statement on potentially considering the notion of cookies and bartending.

and not because it isn't a viable option or that it isn't what i want....

but in actually its not what i need... at least the moment.

i figure that one day i might come to the conclusion to make a promise... an agreement that is lasting, until then i can unfold, float, wait, until it comes to me...

i figure one day i'll find my own bakery and hide there forever.
until then.

http://ri-kon-dahyt.blogspot.com/2009/10/life-recap-what-she-found-out-last.html

thoughts on running towards the sun.

Yesterday, I realized that I never read your words. The liner notes that would have made you the john to my alice. The secrets that could have only been understood had we made each line form a poem. The sequence of letters and numbers that would have made the answer to our equation correct.

Nevertheless, looking at the lines makes me wish I had not finished that line of reasoning.

Using the concepts to connect each smaller piece to a larger thought on a not so blank canvas.

And yet for any understanding or shared connections the affirmatives never made our answer the truth.

and maybe that's not such a bad thing.
maybe it is.

at the end of the day, it doesn't matter much anymore.
all i can do is finish reading and hope i figure it out one day.

with or without us.

the morning after....

after the haze of last night... the morning after is always a contemplative one.... it makes me reflect.... makes me think of the past, the future... and how it all fits....

in the midst of these thoughts someone asked me today what i wanted.... what i've always wanted....

in it's process i couldn't help but think of how i got here... nascent notions, progression, the inherent loss tied to holding on.. and it's perpetual cycle....

the only conclusion i've always come to is, i don't regret any decision i've made up unto this point.....

and yet.... still... at the end of the day i would trade it all for a best friend...

a walk... an extended conversation... an unending dialogue... an ellipsis...

a continuation that didn't lead to empty cul-de-sacs and unsurmountable walls....

maybe she was right, i do hate repeating myself.
maybe he was right... maybe i should make a list.

life recap... what i found out last night? =/

Disclaimer: for Miss. Hillman....

I was reminded again last night of the demise of my last franchise.... I guess empires built on sand don't fare comfortably near sea water (makes mental note)*.

Later on in the day in the process of moving things I was told Betty Crocker lost her show and is now set to 6am non-syndicated public access programing.... that of which is apparently ending, because Los Angeles can't afford public access... the good news was she is still allowed to cakebake on her own time. I guess with this new found unemployment I should look into the service industry...

baking cookies and bartending perhaps? =/

funny how so much can change in an instant.... i guess everything comes out as it should.