All Apologies

I've been a bit self-conscious lately.

Internalizing interactions.

No matter how small, or acute, my thoughts have been more deliberate. More careful.

I see my emotions quickly rising…. And in that just as easily subsiding.

My thoughts weathering the storm of resistance.

Like an unobtrusive observer, I see others reactions to things.

I feel how it affects me…. How I affect others.

I see these interactions swirl.

The transitory notions that I have no control over.

And I can’t help but make silent apologies.

Apologies for any and all of my choices, for my inaction…. My indecisions.

For others derisions.

For anything anyone could possibly apologize for.

I hear myself… and I can’t help but to say “I am sorry”.

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Until about 2 years ago, people asked me why I apologized so much.

Why I apologized for the littlest things…. for the things that others did… for things that needed no acknowledgment of an apology.

And I am beginning to understand why.

I’m beginning to understand that everyone needs to hear a notion of empathy and considerateness.

That everyone needs to be acknowledged in a way that enables them to connect with compassion.

Cause all it takes is an act of thoughtfulness and a little loss of ego to genuinely say:

“I am sorry.”

“I am sorry for your loss.”

“I am sorry for any trespasses that I or others may have caused you.”

“I am sorry for the hurt you have placed upon yourself.”

“(with all of my heart) I am truly, deeply sorry.”

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Maybe if I say it enough these feelings will ease my melancholy into a peaceful silence.

Just maybe.