Anaïs Nin: Part I- Friendship (To Eric)

speaking to you is like singing to a mirror.

the left to my right

my shadow.

my dearest friend. always.

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""I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."- Anaïs Nin

All Apologies

I've been a bit self-conscious lately.

Internalizing interactions.

No matter how small, or acute, my thoughts have been more deliberate. More careful.

I see my emotions quickly rising…. And in that just as easily subsiding.

My thoughts weathering the storm of resistance.

Like an unobtrusive observer, I see others reactions to things.

I feel how it affects me…. How I affect others.

I see these interactions swirl.

The transitory notions that I have no control over.

And I can’t help but make silent apologies.

Apologies for any and all of my choices, for my inaction…. My indecisions.

For others derisions.

For anything anyone could possibly apologize for.

I hear myself… and I can’t help but to say “I am sorry”.

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Until about 2 years ago, people asked me why I apologized so much.

Why I apologized for the littlest things…. for the things that others did… for things that needed no acknowledgment of an apology.

And I am beginning to understand why.

I’m beginning to understand that everyone needs to hear a notion of empathy and considerateness.

That everyone needs to be acknowledged in a way that enables them to connect with compassion.

Cause all it takes is an act of thoughtfulness and a little loss of ego to genuinely say:

“I am sorry.”

“I am sorry for your loss.”

“I am sorry for any trespasses that I or others may have caused you.”

“I am sorry for the hurt you have placed upon yourself.”

“(with all of my heart) I am truly, deeply sorry.”

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Maybe if I say it enough these feelings will ease my melancholy into a peaceful silence.

Just maybe.

haiku strings

Swirls of brown hues
playful blues that drip off lips
the saddest farewell

mornings wakeful kiss
blissfulness only in your eyes
does the day begin

does the evening end
when you turn into my bed
shallow the sweetest tears

kiss my neck, my ear
whisper the only truths I hear
drowning in your eyes.

the f word

Today I was asked about the notion of forgiveness.

Having read about it yesterday, I figure writing about it might give me some perspective today.

And my advice… The notion of forgiveness is a lofty one.

I often see people talk about their ability to move on, and yet see them struggle emotionally when they think about/or deal with their past…

And that makes me question.... Have they really moved on….? Have I….? Have we?

I don’t know what is possible. As for me, I know that I am capable of acceptance. And I have done my share of forgiving, but over the last four years I know that something has changed…. Which in turn has inevitably made me change… maybe irrevocably.

And that is, the slights that I have incurred by others has reached its breaking point.

I have always prided myself on letting go of the hurts of my past, and salvaging a relationship because of the good in each person.

I now know that this is fallacy on my part.

I now know that I can accept each person, but understand that when someone selfishly damages a relationship, I in return must choose to put myself first.

Sometimes that means leaving the relationship for some time. Sometimes it means removing yourself all together.

I have been told that this is viewed as compassion. To not ask for forgiveness, but to remove yourself and the other party from suffering or the cause of suffering.

At the end of the day it’s what enables my mind and my spirit to remain intact.

For others, I think acceptance should be good enough for the forgiver, for it is the first step in a progression to move through pain and loss.

Because anyone can say they are sorry, but very little do what it takes to demonstrate it.

souvenir

your images conjure thoughts yet to be created
articulated into form
molded into impressions
that i long to give
back to you.
in words.
in kisses.
in looks and sighs and tears.
i present this precedent.
my first born.
flowing from my womb
through my mouth.
my gift
i tie in an umbilical bow
of balloons
flown by birds
dancing in clouds of confetti.
along a trail of your scent
flowing south for the winter.

The Converted.

I’ve been thinking about the increments lately.
Not necessarily the large leaps, but the small steps.

How each experience, no matter now inconsequential, lead us to where we are today.
And in that I can honestly say….
That this is the first time that it all makes sense (for me)….
Not necessarily in what I want to do with my life, but with whom I choose to share it with.

I think about the last four years in particular, and it wasn’t until recently that I was really able to map out how I got here.
How the process, no matter how heartbreaking, lead to the most meaningful breakthroughs.

What I once thought was a trial that I had to wade through, now feels like life slowing tying it’s noose around my hips, around my heart, tugging at me slowly… Guiding me to what I now consider home. To whom I now consider to be the love of my life.
I’ve never felt that way before.
Which is something extraordinary to admit to others.
Particularly myself.

So grounded in contentment that this investment is one, not of highs and lows, but of true balance.
So centered in happiness that its almost heartbreaking…
So fleeting because of its difficulties… because of its ease…. Because of its depth.

Which in many ways makes the substance of it that much heavier.

And though I have yet to fully digest it’s comprehension, I am humbled by this blessing.

In this time, I have learned valuable lessons about my worth, and the understanding that I can always put love in the forefront of my existence, but that it won’t always be easiest path.

That such an investment is a tireless pursuit that one must strive for.
Relentlessly.

And though I might not be one to give such advice (one way or the other), all I can say is that it does exist.
It is out there.
Just maybe not the way you anticipated.

part 1: 9:30 am

Sitting here, over a week late.

Still sitting here, thinking.

Disposed, but not out. Two feet finally in.

Pensive playing, no thoughts ever leaning into seriousness.
Then again, maybe the seriousness of what is right in front of me is too great to
stop.
Or start, because
taking a step back only leads me into silence.
The immensity goes beyond all feeling.

Only being.

Which is great and all
but I still don’t have a letter,
still don’t have a coherent set of thoughts
he can read back to hear what he might understand,
What I know deep down he already intuitively knows.

If only I could say it. If only I could say how.