thinking. about today

is it bad to say that i love days like this.
the overcast gloom that pervades the sullen air.
watching a small wind dancing with the fabric on his window sill.
is it bad to say that i love waking up everyday, no matter how dark or light the day gets, so long as it's next to him?
that i can't remember the last time i've ever felt so at ease.
it's been years... so many years that the distance makes me wonder if it ever existed?
once, maybe..... but only once.

in many ways there was always a forced communion, connection. a shoe dangling,
waiting along,
aside a trail of disappointment....
a path of knowings.

and yet, today.... here... i hear no afterthoughts.
i hear no voice in the back of my head playing with the delaying of the inevitable.
no notion of borrowed time.
the unraveling of pain, baggage, and unsettled emotions.

those pieces have faded.
been laid to rest at our proverbial door.

and in this house. colorful... and cold i lay listening.
to sounds of the water singing songs into the gutter.
thinking of the past. enjoying the present, hopeful of the future.

here it is warm.
here i have never felt as safe
at peace
in love.

traversing: back

its been over a year. or at least it feels like it has.

and i realize that once in awhile you become a passing thought. or notion.. if only for a brief second. maybe to say hello in my mind... maybe because it's the only form of acknowledgment i want to return. something only to myself. something that can never be shared with you.

not that i'm not inclined to share right now.... or anytime for that matter. i've never been one to hide much. but i've come to realization that i like not talking to you. hearing you voice calmly resonating before the dial-tone. i don't feel at a loss that i don't have your presence to lean on. and it's not because i built new bridges. or solidified old ones.

i just can't recall why i'd want rebuild any bridge someone maliciously burned, regardless of intentions.

there are many forms of forgiveness that i have given in my time. and relinquishing my disappointment with where we now are is more than forgiveness enough.

i don't need any semblance of what we had. i don't know if i ever will.
though my door is always open if you so choose.
know that i don't miss you.

word of the day: obscurantism

obscurantism
1. Opposition to the spread of knowledge.
2. Being deliberately vague or obscure;

ETYMOLOGY:
From Latin obscurare (to make dark)
wsmith@wordsmith.org

My thoughts: interesting word at the moment. at least for me.

It makes me think of intimacy. The notion of giving oneself without exception, and if that is truly possible...? It also makes me wonder if it is possible to truly term things in absolutes. To say one is all light, all giving, all of something... then withholding, dark, and the like within another context... makes me question the notion of giving, of initmacy.... of my own level of understanding.

Can one truly acquiesce and give of themselves wholeheartedly while still denying other parts of themselves to others? Or is both possible?

food for thought.....

name (:to my everything)

this
thought.
a shadow that connects the primordial orders of my working memory.

made me perceive
past
connections.
made me
believe
I under-
stood.
where i moving
where i was standing.
where i was.
till there was
this.

still
there was
un-knowing.
which transformed into seeing
seeing into
believing.
believing into actualizations of epiphanies colored in song.
visionary dances in deafening delights.
sounds blinded in silence.
in darkness.
in
this.

this.
the representation of definition is where it resides.
this.
is deification conjured by the current of creation
by the chaos of calm
by the mere thought of it.
of
this.

words
give passion, desire, and love no real meaning.
hold no measure or weight to what this feeling encapsulates.
in it.
in
this.

this.
is the reason sounds ascended into words
words evolved into
meaning
meaning formed into the
defined.
the reason Webster’s needed a book of reference to capture our collective frame of mind.

this.
each letter,
sy-lla-bles
formed by the need for articulation
for the need beyond all
need
formed my dreams into a wish list and conjured
this
into
Existence.

into being
into my thoughts.
my limbs.
my loins.
my heart.

this.

my dictionary.
my reason for rewriting all notions.
previous perceptions of emotions.
all feelings shaded by thoughts of under
standing.

this.

at the end of all reason
lies this.
in this.
of this.
in this.
and this
is.

you.

my offering

your name, a question.
the phrase asked a million times
my answer, still always
the same.
a resounding blank
a tremendous blinking
my response heard by only those who can detect whispers
of songs that carry sound waves in your key.

you ask, how i feel... what i mean to say,
as my only reply is this
my offering laid across your table
my olive branch beneath your head

that as much as i've tried to fight
and wrestle this notion of feeling.
i have tripped,
tumbled,
stumbled,
drowned
fallen
into and over all that is
you.

and if by chance i am able to
catch the weight of my fall
i crawl
walk
sway upon the thought of us.

stopping dead in my tracks
by the leveling of your eyes.

i now realize that
your pull has got me stuck
stranded
sated.
got my breasts swelling, my heart melting,
my thighs aching to be spread
apart
upon this alter

if only for an afterthought
and the chance to be with you.

i can't help that
i
love
everything
about
you.

every piece that melds your form
and makes you you
and all the things that i've yet explored
i know i will love too.

for i don't see or feel the sounds
our songs make when you're not near
the colors that only magnify
life when your lying next to me.

apart... i float through time frozen
till you sing in our frequency.
standing still
waiting
hoping
this isn't a half-hearted
pipe dream drowning me in technicolor.

an empty promise
in a pretty box.

i want an ellipsis in this
an unending sequence
a flowing of words
seamless
abundant
filling me to the brim until there is
no you or i
just us.

a question
an answer
as i await your return.

thoughts on the weekend. my proverbial hangover

here's what i've learned.....

any type of candy... chocolate, eye candy, or nose candy is probably not the best idea in copious amounts. anything other than lollipops and dancing is a bit too much for my constitution.

that i can listen to the cure all day every day.... for probably the rest of the fall and it will feel like summer all over again.

that awkward circumstances aren't as uncomfortable as the people that involve them... that i thrive on such interactions... nevertheless, it isn't my job to make the apprehensive come around.

that being there doesn't make me any less available.

that she had a better weekend than i did, and i still don't mind.

that my moods are occasionally cyclical.... going in up, down but the shock of this weekend has put me in an emotional stasis.... one of which i am still waiting to absorb.

that hangovers suck... but nothing some water and rest couldn't cure.

that for as much as i don't mind the lack of definitiveness in my life, i'm starting to dislike and almost detest the gray matter that surrounds it.

that i do miss him.

that i don't miss you.

that i don't know or want to know you anymore.

that i'm beginning to understand you and i like what you mean to me.

that you're the best handler i've ever met and i should have taken you up on your proposition... one for which i will be kicking myself in the ass for a million times over.

that maybe she is right. which makes me wrong.

maybe giving up on it all isn't a bad thing.

and that it's time to grow up.

maybe.

recollections of the fall.

walking from my car to your door in the cool autumn rain, might have been one of the most beautiful experiences i've had in years. that and.. waking up to the warmth of your eyes.