the reminder

it hurts to hear the ache.
not the ache in whats gone,
but the longing in wanting.
wanting to be that,
that warmth.
that solace.
that good.
to be the space
between
the keys that ring,
as each melody silently
cries for
more.
the letter in each
word
begging for a promise,
in his prose,
in his poems,
in his promises.
sacred and unfilfilled
are these secrets
never to be
shared with
me.
for other ears
to other pasts
and other girls.
but alas, i will never be these things.
and yet, i can still feel that ache.
and know
that though such odes
don't belong to those like
me
i can still hope
that one day they will.

Maybe Not

as she sat there reading, it suddenly dawned on her. like a ray of overwhelming light to the unwelcoming eye. she would never be the protagonist in this story. the heroine in his storybook. the recipient neglecting a return to sender.

for many reasons she was still unsure of why.

maybe she wasn't broken enough. maybe she gave in too much, give parts of herself up too soon.

the push and pull made the inconsequential matter more than she wanted to admit… and in that moment she understood that the same hurt he experienced from others, was the same thing he was doing to her.

and in that she realized he was right. she really didn’t know this other person. couldn’t know someone unwilling to open up the torn pages that rendered his broken heart, or hers for that matter.

and maybe that thought made her reconsider, consider whether this was worth investing… effort, emotion, her heart into? maybe he would never share those parts of his past. maybe (for him), that was the past, and as far as he was concerned, not worth knowing. but maybe (for her) it was. maybe for as much as he gave, she would always know that he was just like the others, always hiding, afraid to give in, give it all… Let Go.

and no matter how much she cared for him, that realization would play like an afterthought…. of something missing… always lingering in the furthest most regions of her limbic system, like innate notion of a frown, always there, but never here.

a clearing

today i walked along a path,
and found a broken home.
foundations once filled with sterling
now rotted from the outside in.

it's silver bricks once layed carefully
now displaced upon the floor.
grasping walls in my inability to feel the ground,
i lightly tread upon the surface, if only to avoid the cracks.
two hands decipher the lettering
hands distangling carvings of promises now eaten away by time.

my hesitation to walk any further leads me into questions, and more questions into more thoughts.

where did it all go?
why did it really end?
or is there more i just can't see?

i step away from the clearing
back into time
harboring speculations much heavier than when i began,
dragging the guilt of unknown loss behind me.

and yet, my steps guide me somewhere dark.
moving further away from my thoughts
away from the weight
as if each sound takes me further into suspension.
into stillness.
closer to the safety of shelter.

My So-Called Life and Thoughts on So-Called Friends.

So over the last week or so I have been having a reoccurring discussion about the notion of friendship. What it means to be someone's friend, how to give and receive it. And lately, this analysis has made me reevaluate that notion. I had a conversation the other day with someone who made me realize that choosing sides not only doesn't make you a friend, it devalues the integrity of what's been built, especially if you cannot be honest.

When relationships are built on conditions and stipulations, words and the trust built over time count for nothing. Even when one has to pick sides, it's up to those individuals to be up front in honest. Cause at the end of the day, if they were in my shoes I don't know if they would be as tolerant if someone they cared and respected were behaving the same way.

I hear people talking about how it's difficult to find and cultivate relationships in LA… and I know for a fact that isn't entirely true. It takes two people to build, just like it takes two individuals to brake down a relationship. If one is unable to deepen ties or find people to share their lives with at the end of the day, one must stop looking at the sequential events unfolding and realign oneself in the mirror.

I have lost many people throughout my life, and not entirely of my own volition. They, made a decision to keep me at arms length, be dishonest, hide certain things and convey themselves in an disingenuous way. Though I cannot abdicate myself from my own part in the deterioration of past relationships… I have paid many dues. Nevertheless, I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, to a fault

But I can think of many times where I have stuck my neck out for some of these people, … and thinking about it in retrospect, I know now they would have never done the same. And that realization is ok.

This understanding enables me to establish a different place those people in my life, forgive them for their slights… and remind myself never be so selfish as to behave in a way that knowingly devalues the integrity of my relationship with someone I truly care for.

And if someone chooses to cut themselves out of my life, it is a loss I will not lose sleep over….

Self Assessments in Self Deprecating Mode

Most days:
…. I don’t know how to be strong. And though I might appear to be, it feels more like a guise. In actuality, my strength lies in my acceptance of being broken and the tolerance of staying there.
…. I only give to compensate for my inherently selfish ways, which I struggle with on daily basis.
…. I’m indecisive, because regardless of my foresight I lack the ambition to really move forward.
….I have an overwhelming need to understand because I usually feel disconnected.
….When I appear to be the most put together are the days I fight with myself the most.
…. I give more than I should, so that no one truly see that I rarely give (of myself) at all.
…. I use my personality to compensate for my low self-esteem.

But am overall

…. Beyond my cynicism lies someone who uses hope and idealism to encourage and inspire myself, and if I’m lucky the people around me.
….Cares and gives even at the expense of myself.
….is someone who secretly never gives up.
….someone who’s come a lot further than I’d like to admit.
….someone who is waiting to share and find people willing to give those special parts of myself.
….credulous, even when I know I shouldn’t be.
…. someone who likes who I’ve become.

What does that mean?

That I’m a self-deprecating idealist, who still wants to change the world. And this point the only thing stopping me…. is myself.

What I'm thankful for.

This is the first year that I'm not actually not spending the holidays with my family. I called my mother today, talked to my father. Can't speak to either one of them without crying. It's been hard these past years. Trying to maintain my own life and not feel responsible for others.

I understand that leaving LA and the people I love was a choice I decided to make, but I can't help but feel guilty. That I should be with them, and because I am not it somehow means I care less.

I know this isn't true.... And somewhere deep down i know that they understand, or at least I hope that they do.

At the same time, this is the first year I am spending it with people who not do not have access to their family....

I, on the other hand, do. No matter how dysfunctional, have a wonderful family who in spite of their faults love me. I have a best friend who also has a amazing family who supports me like their own. Friends who understand and care for me in ways people could only dream of.

I have those things... and though I don't have much to show in any tangible sense, i have a rich life, which is measured by my understanding of the world and the people that fill that space.

and for this I am thankful.... very very thankful.

My Long Winded Response to Gender, Relationships and Love..

So I had a conversation today about gender roles, and relationships.

Here's my response:

In regards to gender roles:
The construction of what it means to be a man or a woman is interwoven with a multitude of factors (both physiological and social)… but should not be mistaken as a fixed state of being…. If only because of the different expressions of everything else in-between… and believe me… there is an in-between.

Maybe that in-between is a personification of the dualities expressed within current forms of what gender means… sometimes it's a cluster fuck of god knows what. Nevertheless, gender is expressed in a multitude of ways.

Women convey themselves in ways that are considered masculine... Men behave in ways that are very feminine… And yes, there is such a thing as androgyny... Regardless of orientation…. these things exist.

How can I make such an overt statement as if it were fact? Because, whether or not you are aware, it is ubiquitous. All you have to do is look. With the expansion and acceptance of expression there is no real need to live up to or dismantle gender. We are acculturated to become whatever society wants us to be, while simultaneously finding ways to break those paradigms down.

As far as my opinion on relationships:
Being on all different ends, both good and bad. All I can say is this…. from any starting point it's easy to judge others, until we are placed within a predicament that engenders dissonance within us.

We can sit outside of ourselves and see the dualities of a situation, but there are so many variables that make people behave in ways contrary to what we expect. And we must remember, regardless of our expectations… not everyone can live up to our ideals…. Shit, we can barely do it ourselves… how can we expect or devalue those who can't either.

We are human. We make mistakes. We behave in ways contrary to values or beliefs that feel inherent within us…

Why..? I don't know. Maybe because we're selfish. But maybe we're not. Maybe when we have to take other people's feelings into consideration we put our needs last. Sometimes social, cultural, and internal factors don't add up to the same solution… and at the end of the day we still have to pick one….

Does this make us wrong, or selfless, or inherently hypocritical?

Maybe, but our actions do not define us or encapsulate who we are. We are much more than an event, or moment in time. So it isn't fair to assume the intentions of others, when we can barely understand those of ourselves.

I guess no one ever really knows what they will do until they are there. Until then, we as people should consider reevaluating the way we judge others.

And finally my stance on Love:
Love… and what each individual wants within the context of a relationship varies…. And is essentially innumerable. One can make generalizations, but when it comes to love, it's too abstract to place such categories into concrete terms. All you can hope for is that you find someone to accept you, understand you, and maybe even one day love you unconditionally. Love is work, no matter how strong the foundation is.

Because at the end of the day, if you never give all of yourself what's it really worth?